More Light than Heat
by HeadinTheClouds13
Summary: Todd Anderson has spent a life time adoring his former best friend, the enigmatic Neil Perry from afar. But when Neil disappears and leaves behind a disconnected path of clues it's Todd who must make the choice to follow them; wherever they may take him. (Based on the novel Paper Towns)
1. prologue

prologue

* * *

The thing about Neil Perry was that it was hard for Todd to really pinpoint the moment he fell in love with him. It was like trying to know the second you became drunk, you knew when you started drinking and you knew when you woke up with a hangover but that actual moment of drunkness was elusive.

What wasn't elusive however was the moment Neil and Todd stopped being best friends. They had been 9, best friends since children and practically inseparable. Or they had been until Neil was put in a different fourth grade class and suddenly they were a lot more separable. It's not like Todd couldn't handle Neil having other friends, it was just that those friends weren't _his _friends. Suddenly Neil was off gallivanting with Charlie Dalton and they had jokes and games and things Todd wasn't a part of. But Todd still got to see him, after school usually, or on the weekends. Neil was still his best friend and he was still Neil's, but it was different.

Then sixth grade rolled around and instead of going to the public middle school Neil's father decided he would be better suited going to a different, private middle school on the other side of town. Suddenly Neil was gone at 6:00am on the bus and didn't come home until 5:30pm and even then he was usually whisked off to one of the dozens of extracurricular activities his father insisted on. Neil's weekends were filled with homework and soccer practice while Todd sat in his bedroom and found solace in books. Sometimes he would stare out his window into Neil's bedroom and their he'd be, reading a book or doing homework. And Todd thought it was odd, how they could be so close and how he could feel so far away from this boy who not so long ago he had shared everything with.

The realization that he was in love with Neil was also easier to pinpoint. It had been sometime in the winter the year Todd had turned 13. There had been a freak snowstorm and Todd had been sent out to shovel the driveway, a fruitless attempt since the snow was coming down faster than he could clear it away. Neil's parent's had apparently had the same idea and for the first time in ages they were both in the same place at the same time. They had talked and it was like nothing had even changed, Neil complained about his dad, Todd nodded along sympathetically and made stupid jokes. Even though he was freezing and tired Todd felt happier than he had in ages.

That night he dreamt that he and Neil were standing outside in the snow again. Neil held out his gloved hand, "I want to show you something" he said, only his mouth wasn't moving. Somehow they ended up on Neil's roof, the whole town spread out beneath them, much more beautiful than it ever was in reality. "I want to show you something." Neil said again his eyes impossibly large and brown as he leaned over and kissed Todd. That was when Todd jerked awake, the fact finally clicking into place after all these years. He was in irrevocably, irrationally, head-over-heels in love with Neil Perry.

* * *

**A.N. This fic is heavily based on the John Green novel Paper Towns (which is fantastic and I highly recommend) and thus does contain some general plot spoilers because while the details are different some of the scenarios are similar/the same. **


	2. i

i

* * *

Todd is late. He glances down at the clock for what must have been the millionth time that morning as he drove behind the world's slowest car tapping his fingers irritatedly on the steering wheel. "You _had_ to stop for donuts." Todd says to Knox.

"Hey, I'm asking a girl out I need the sugar rush for courage." Knox says his mouth full of Boston cream.

"Prom is stupid." Todd says for what must be the millionth time to date. He doesn't get it at all. The chance to pay $50 to hang out with people he sees everyday and listen to music he doesn't like? No thanks.

"You wouldn't think that if Neil Perry asked you to prom." Knox retaliates because he's a douchebag.

"I could pull over right now and let you walk to school."

"Indeed you could" Knox agrees because they both know Todd won't. Not so much because he's a good person but because he wants more donuts. "So'd ya hear?"

"Hear what?"

"Ginny and Neil broke up."

Todd almost slams on the brakes. "What!?"

"Yeah, or at least that's what I heard from Gloria."

"Gloria doesn't know anything. One time she asked me if people in Canada really have a Moose President."

"That's ridiculous. Everyone knows Canada has a Moose Prime Minister. But she seemed pretty confident they had broken up."

"Too bad." Todd says turning into the student parking lot.

"Yeah right," Knox says his mouth full of donut, "You were always going on about how she wasn't good enough for him."

That was true, not in a mean way. Ginny Danbury was beautiful, smart, funny, talented but somehow she never quite matched Neil in that sort of glowing aura of charisma. It's not like he said she wasn't good enough for Neil in a way that implied that he himself was. Ginny and Neil may not have been on the same level but at least they had always been in the same league. Besides at least half of the girls in the school seemed to have a crush on Neil, he'll have a date for the prom by the end of the day and probably a new girlfriend by the end of the week.

"You know," Knox says unbuckling himself and opening the door of Todd's very cool minivan, "There's still time to buy a prom ticket..."

"I'm not going." Todd says.

"Come on! Even Meeks is going, Meeks! He never goes to this kind of thing but even he understands the importance of _prom_."

"He's going because the principal is paying him to make sure the sound system doesn't crash like last year. And unlike Meeks I wouldn't go even if you paid me to so stop asking!"

"It's funny," Knox says, "I always had this idea in my head like you were a shy boy who never had opinions on anything. And then I got to know you."

Knox Overstreet had actually gone to the same private school as Charlie and Neil but he and Todd had become friends at the beginning of ninth grade when they had been partnered up on a science project. They had gotten a D on the project but they'd formed a tentative friendship, partially over their mutual dislike of Charlie Dalton. Knox and Charlie had been friends until a girl at summer camp had come between them. Todd had made the mistake of asking about it once only to receive a very melodramatic retelling courtesy of Knox.

"So, whose today's victim?" Todd asks pulling his locker open as Knox hovers beside him with the box of donuts.

"I was thinking of Tina...uh...I dunno her last name. Gloria's friend."

"Really?" Todd crams a textbook into his bag. "Well, good luck." He sidesteps Knox.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Knox calls after him, "Oy! What's that supposed to mean!?"

Todd's seven minutes late for his first class of the day and the only one he shares with Neil Perry. "How nice of you to join us Mr. Anderson," Dr. Hagar says as Todd stumbles into his seat beside Steven Meeks ducking his head in embarrassment. Todd could never understand why someone as rigid and stuck in his ways as Dr. Hagar was teaching a philosophy class in the first place. You always got the impression that although they were encouraged to put forth new ideas and their own interpretations that anyone who strayed too far outside the norm would be criticized. One time Charlie Dalton had pointed out that Descartes was really jumping to conclusions presuming the existence of God because the idea of a perfect being was in his mind. Dr. Hagar had then made him write an essay on why he thought he was smarter than Descartes.

"So," Meeks says leaning over when Dr. Hagar has returned to his exam review lecture. "You hear about Neil and Ginny?"

"That really happened?"

"Yeah. Gerard told me, apparently they had a big fight after at the cast party and Neil stormed out."

"I hope he's okay," Todd hazards a glance across the room to where Neil is sitting, laughing and joking with one of his friends. He sure doesn't look like someone who had broken up with his girlfriend of nearly two years. "I mean maybe it's just a little spat or something." Meeks shrugs and turns back to his review sheet.

Everything about this whole Neil/Ginny break up doesn't make sense, they had always seemed so happy together. Not like it's really Todd's business, he's not even friends with Neil anymore. The last time they spoke was at a party Neil had thrown at his house, Todd had suspected he had only been invited because it would have been awkward not to. He didn't even want to go but Knox had forced him, "You're going to be annoyed by the party anyways, you live right next door, so why not be annoyed up close?" He said, which was a rubbish argument.

Todd had been standing in the living room, wedged between the keg and a couple who were making out sloppily, wishing that he had just stayed home. "Hey!" came a voice from behind him, "You made it!" Neil was grinning at him like a madman.

"Uh, yeah, Knox really wanted to come so..." Todd trailed off. "Nice party." He said with what he hoped was at least some sincerity.

"Typical high school bullshit, but I guess everyone has to throw one once, huh?" Neil said leaning against the keg. "It's funny, everytime I go to one of these parties I always think 'this'll be what all those great high school movies were talking about! I'm really going to carpe this diem!' and then when I get there it's all the people I see all day, everyday. Only now they're drunk and horny."

"Noctum." Todd said without thinking.

"What?"

"It's, uh, carpe noctum it it's at night not carpe diem. Unless you're going to weird parties during the day or something."

Neil smiled at him, a strange sort of smile like he was _proud_ of Todd or something. "Todd, I-"

"Neil!" Ginny called from behind them, "Can you come help me with this?"

He turned. "Uh, yeah sure." He looked back at Todd, "I'll be back in just a sec."

He didn't come back.

Todd's jerked out of his stupor by a paper plane hitting him in the side of the face. He looks down at it; '_WILL YOU GO TO PROM W/ ME?' _It reads in large looping letters, he looks up confused because who the hell would ask _him_ to prom.

Charlie Dalton is waving his hands and shaking his head, "_It's for Steven!_" He stagewhispers and Todd folds it in half and slides it onto Meeks' desk. Meeks opens it, reads it, makes a disgusted noise and turns around to flip Charlie off just as the bell rings.

"What the hell was that about?" Todd asks following Meeks into the hall.

"I have no idea. I think it's a bet or a dare or something. Ask the only openly gay kid to school to prom, hilarious, original, blah blah blah. I mean I'm just insulted that they aren't being more creative about it." Meeks rolls his eyes opening his locker. For someone whose mind is so orderly his locker is kind of a disaster. Which is weird because Todd has seen his room and it's freakishly clean. "Whatever, Dalton is all bark no bite. I'm sure it'll all blow over soon."

"EMERGENCY! MAYDAY MAYDAY!" Knox shouts, suddenly rushing down the hall towards them. "Prom-mergency!" He skids to a stop in front of them. "I have a problem."

"We've heard" Meeks says dryly. "Along with the rest of the northern hemisphere."

Knox however is not listening and instead launches straight into his story, "So there I was, just wandering past the caf, and there I see Tina sitting with her friends. Nice, not too popular, not too pretty, not too bright Tina. So I walk up to her table all cool and I asked her and..."

"And?"

"And she said _yes_"

Todd and Meeks exchange glances. "And that's your emergency? That's not an emergency that's a miracle." Meeks says.

"No, but you don't understand, it wasn't Tina!" Knox exclaims then lowers his voice, "It was _Chris_."

"Wait a minute, how could you possibly confuse Chris Noel with Tina? You've had a crush on Chris since forever." Todd says grabbing a history textbook out of his bag.

"I don't know! I just...well they're both blonde!"

Meeks snorts, "Great powers of deduction Sherlock. Look I have to go, I have chem, but please, I'd like to hear all the excruciatingly embarrassing details later."

"What am I going to do?" Knox moans as they walk to history class.

Todd frowns, "I don't get it, why are you so upset? Isn't going to prom with Chris like your biggest dream come true?"

"More like my nightmare, Chris Noel has standards, she's beautiful and smart and perfect. I don't want to be the reason her prom is ruined. Like what if I get her a corsage that doesn't match her dress? Or the limo breaks down? What _then_?"

"You should have auditioned for the play. Your becoming very theatrical."

"Voicing your fears and emotions is healthy." Knox mutters, a side effect of having a mother who's a therapist Todd supposed, Knox is very in touch with his emotions.

"Knox!" Chris calls from across the room, sitting with a group of her friends, "Come sit with us."

Knox gives Todd an apologetic glance before practically racing across the room. Todd sighs and sits in his usual seat on the other side of the room. Cameron leans over his desk, "So I heard Chris agreed to go to prom with Overstreet, I'm pretty sure that's a sign of the apocalypse."

Here was the thing about Richard Cameron, it wasn't that he was inherently a jerk, he just had this way of speaking which made his jokes go from funny to douche-y. Or maybe it was his face. Either way Cameron wasn't half bad, you just had to look past the wall of douchebaggery he had built up.

"Yup, frogs, plagues, and Knox going to prom, the end is nigh." Todd deadpans rummaging around in his bag for his pen. Todd is very particular about his pens, since he was twelve he has bought the same brand from the same store and refuses to use anything else unless absolutely necessary. Todd likes history but the tendency of the teacher to make them write out long notes tends to give him hand cramps instead of insight.

He darts a glance over to Knox who's smiling in a dopey lovestruck sort of way at Chris. Maybe it's mean but Todd sort of hopes that this doesn't turn into a real relationship. Even if he's only here for the rest of the summer he'd rather not spend it being Knox and Chris' third wheel, or worse being abandoned again. He tries to push the though out of his brain, Knox is happy in his own weird panicky way so Todd should just be happy for him.

History drags on, the class not the concept, that would be stupid to even mention since history is always dragging on. When the bell finally goes for lunch Todd slips out of the door quickly not bothering to wait for Knox. Last time he checked he was talking to Chris animatedly, probably about matching his tie to her dress or something. Knox was more unabashedly excited about prom than most of the girls at school and completely unapologetic about it.

"Hey," Meeks says appearing suddenly at Todd's side, "Cameron texted me, something about death of the first borns? What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"The world is ending because of Knox and Chris' prom date."

"I think it's kind of cute, even if it's weird and against the laws of nature. Like a unicorn." Meeks pulls open his locker and barely avoids a small avalanche of school supplies.

"You've been spending too much time with Gerard."

"Probably." Meeks agrees, "What are you doing for lunch?"

"Well I was going to eat with Knox but he'll probably sit with Chris, why?"

"I was going to go study for physics but I can do it later, I don't want you to have to eat alone."

Todd's oddly flattered by this but he shakes his head, "No, that's okay. I have a bunch of stuff to get done anyways, you go ahead."

"You sure?" He asks

"Yeah, no big deal." Todd catches Knox gesturing to him out of the corner of his eye. He's still with Chris and one of her friends. "See ya later."

Chris Noel is the kind of girl people tend to underestimate. Sure she's beautiful and rich with a fondness for sundresses and pastel colours but not only does she have a sharp wit she's also on the school's champion academic decathlon team. To be honest she kind of terrifies Todd. Though she's smiling nice enough when he approaches them.

"You going to come eat lunch with us?" Knox asks already seeming less like the panicked kid eating donuts in his car this morning and more like Neil or Charlie, confident, cool, collected.

"Uh, if you don't mind."

"Of course we don't mind," Chris says sincerely, "The more the merrier. We were going to go to The Davenport, if that's good with you." Todd nods mutely.

The Davenport is the fancy restaurant at the country club just outside of town. Todd's parents are members but he hasn't been there since his brother's graduation. It's not usually the kind of place that high school students go to eat lunch, but as aforementioned Chris Noel is filthy rich. She wasn't obnoxious about it like some of the other kids Todd knew but she wasn't trying to hide it like Todd did.

A lot of kids at Todd's school were rich, but that's what happens when your school area includes a pricey old-fashioned gated community. The thing was that there are lots of different types of rich, you could be new-money rich like Knox's parents his dad a high power paralegal his mom a high sought-after marriage counsellor, you could be old money rich like Neil's family who had inherited their house and had the power of an established family but who actually lived pretty modestly, or you could be a combination of both like Chris and Todd's families who had both the power and the money to keep them well established.

The Davenport wasn't very busy at noon on a Tuesday, just a smattering of older ladies gossiping and one group of newly retired men fresh from a game of golf. Chris and Knox had talked excitedly about prom the whole drive there. "It's good to see Chris happy," Her friend Audrey, who Todd recognizes from his math class said, "She's been so down since Chet broke up with her."

Chris didn't seem it though as she places her order and smiles at the waiter who knows her by name. Todd just gets salad because he doesn't want to have to use his credit card. His parents said they trusted him when they gave it to him and as long as he paid the bill that he could use it as he liked. They _said_ that but Todd knows if he uses it he'll have his dad calling him up the moment school is over to interrogate him on what he bought. Like his parents think he's going to use a visa to buy drugs and hookers. His parents are weird like that.

"So, Todd" Chris says, "Knox said you weren't going to prom. I've know a number of girls who'd love to go with you, I could set you up!"

"Uh," Todd says.

"That's a great idea, we could share the limo." Knox interjects.

Todd shoots him a look, "Uh, thanks for the offer Chris, I'm, uh, just not really into prom." He hates the way his voice gets all shaky and quiet when he talks to people he doesn't know very well but he really can't help it.

Chris makes a sympathetic noise, "Well, okay. But let me know if you change your mind. Gosh, don't you think he and Ginny would be the cutest couple? They're both so shy and sweet."

"Is Ginny even going to prom?" Audrey asks delicately cutting her chicken into pieces.

"Maybe, she has a dress and everything. It's weird she doesn't seem all that upset about the break up, I mean her and Neil were hanging out this morning like everything was totally normal."

"It might have just been a mutual break-up" Knox offers.

Chris rolls her eyes, "Oh please, there's no such thing as a mutual break-up, that's what the person who gets dumped says because no one likes to admit they got dumped. It's just so _weird_. I mean who dates for two years and then have a huge fight and break-up and then act completely normal a few days later?"

Todd likes to pretend he's above this sort of high school gossip but it does seem strange, even for Neil Perry who has always been filled with mysteries.

They pull back into the school parking lot just as the bell rings to signal the end of lunch. Knox hangs back to chat longer with Chris, they really are disgustingly cute together, so Todd walks into the building with Audrey. "See you around Todd." She calls as he walks to his locker as if they've been good friends for years instead of two practically strangers who shared the backseat of a car.

The rest of the day is typical and boring, he spends his free period working on his study notes for philosophy and history. Then his math teacher spends the entire class going over how to use the answer card for the exam, as if it were a class of ninth graders using them for the first time. It's all very dull and between that and the heat Todd is feeling sleepy already as he packs his bag and walks out to the student parking lot. There's a note folded under his windshield wiper;

_Going to the mall with Chris to help her find shoes for prom. -K.O._

Todd tucks the note in his pocket and climbs into the car. Once in tenth grade Knox had tried to get people to start calling him K.O. Because 'he was a knock-out' but it never took hold, just like at the beginning of the year when Meeks insisted everyone stop calling him by his last name. That was the thing about high school, you can't change things once they have stuck.

Todd pulls into the parking lot behind the bookstore where he works narrowly avoiding one the million alley cats that live behind the building. Todd has told Keating a hundred times to stop feeding them but Todd knows he does the second he leaves. Keating is generally a nice guy, maybe a little eccentric, but he's nice to Todd and doesn't mind if he works on his homework when it's slow.

The bell jingles as Todd pushes through the front door and there's no one in the store except for a 30-something mom pushing a stroller that looks like an off-road vehicle. That's pretty typical for a weekday afternoon, their clientele mostly bored house wives in book clubs or Nicholas Sparks enthusiasts. It drives Todd nuts but Keating is pretty zen about the whole thing, he must have accepted it a long time ago.

Todd dodges around the off-road-stroller and heads to the back room. Keating is lounging on his hammock reading The Great Gatsby for what must be the millionth time. "Hey Captain," Todd says, because Keating insists on it. Though Todd thinks that giving yourself a nickname based on a poem, especially one about Abraham Lincoln is a little pretentious, but as long as Keating is employing him he'll keep his mouth shut.

"Ah, Todd" Keating says looking over the top of his book, "Good you're here, I have a new shipment in I need you to unwrap and stock." He gestures over to a stack of three large boxes. "That should keep you busy for a few hours." He looks back down at his book.

"How do you even manage when I'm not here?" Todd asks.

"Shhhh," Keating says, "Fitzgerald is casting his magic spell."

"Spoiler alert, the green light across the harbour is the American Dream." Todd calls over his shoulder as he grabs the first box and heads back into the main part of the store. The mom and her off-road-stroller are gone so Todd sets up behind the counter reading to input the new books in the computer. He grabs an exacto-knife and slices open the top of the box.

"You have got to be kidding me." He groans pulling the first book off the top of the pile.

Two hours and approximately a million eye rolls later Todd has input seventy-five copies of Fifty Shades of Grey into the computer. Actually make that seventy-three because he sold two. "Ugh, I can't believe you made me do that." Todd complains, "I feel violated. You do not pay me enough to do this."

"Well maybe there's a raise in your future. After you finish imputing the sequels tomorrow."

"It's a _triology_? Wow, okay I have officially lost faith in humanity." Todd says throwing his satchel over his shoulder, "Can I go or would you like me to listen to a Taylor Swift CD first?"

"Whose he?" Keating calls to Todd's retreating back.

By the time Todd pulls into his driveway he's ready for a nap but he has too much to do for exam prep so he gives his bed a sad glance and gets to work. His first exam isn't until next Monday but he knows he'll never be ready if he puts it off. He's already been accepted into his first choice program at Columbia but if he doesn't keep his average up he could loose his spot or his place in residence.

He barely even notices it's been almost 3 hours until there's a buzz on the intercom, "Todd, dinner." His mother's voice says coming out tinny through the speakers. She insisted on having the intercom build when Todd moved into the attic because she hated having to climb up two flights of stairs. Todd doesn't really mind, it means the only people who are even in his room are him.

Dinner's pretty normal, Jeffery's home for the summer so his parents are mostly focused on peppering him with questions about school and girls and his internship next fall. Though half way through dinner his mother turns to Todd unexpectedly and says; "Mrs. Dempsey says she saw you at The Davenport today?"

Todd swallows, caught by surprise. "Oh, yeah, I was there with Knox and Chris Noel."

His mother looks excited, 'That's wonderful dear. Did you have enough money?"

"I just got salad."

"Salad?" Mr. Anderson interjects, like the very idea is ridiculous, "Why didn't you use your credit card?" Todd fights the urge to roll his eyes and shrugs instead, looking down so his parents will turn their attention back to Jeffery.

After dinner Todd heads back to his room and boots up his computer. It's a hand-me-down from Jeffery and it still has stickers he plastered on it stuck to it. Todd picks at one idly while he checks his e-mail. There's one from Columbia, reminding him not to fail his exams, another from Knox telling him that he doesn't need a ride tomorrow morning because Chris is giving him one and one from Meeks asking Todd to message him.

_ToddAnderson: What's up?_

_StevenDon'tCallMeMeeks: He brought me a cake._

_ToddAnderson: What?_

_StevenDon'tCallMeMeeks: Charlie Dalton brought me a cake. At work._

_ToddAnderson: A cake?_

_StevenDon'tCallMeMeeks: Yeah, with 'will you go to prom with me?' written on it._

_ToddAnderson: Charlie Dalton brought you a cake at work asking you to go to prom._

_StevenDon'tCallMeMeeks: Well, he didn't. There was a a guy in a costume. He sang a song._

_ToddAnderson: Ouch_

_StevenDon'tCallMeMeeks: I don't know what his deal is, I'm a short gay nerd whose last name is Meeks. I really don't need any help in the humiliation department._

_ToddAnderson: You going to come to school tomorrow?_

_StevenDon'tCallMeMeeks: I guess so. Can't let the assholes win._

_ToddAnderson: Charlie Dalton is such a tool. Don't let him get to you._

_StevenDon'tCallMeMeeks: Yeah, whatever. I gotta go, my physics essay is due tomorrow and I should really look over it again._

_ToddAnderson: Okay, bye._

_StevenDon'tCallMeMeeks is Offline_

Todd should probably work on his own history essay but he can't muster up the energy. It's only 8:30 but Todd feels way too tired. He decides he'll just watch a movie or something and then falls asleep while Netflix is loading.

Todd is awoken by a strange high pitched jingle noise. He blinks in the dark, disoriented and confused. His alarm clock says that it's 1:45 am. Todd's about to roll back over and go to sleep when he hears that same noise again. It's the message alert on his computer. Drowsily Todd pulls the laptop over to him and gives the mouse pad a click to wake it up.

_sexymotherpucker: come to your old room quickly now! quickly!_

Todd blinks for half a second, thinking that this must be some sort of strange dream because that is definitely Neil's screen name. No one else he knows would have a stupid Shakespearean reference and such a blatant disregard for capitalization. His computer chimes again.

_sexymotherpucker: and bring your keys._

Todd crawls out of bed as quietly as possible. This feels eerily like when they were kids and they would stay up late writing each other notes pressed up against their window frames. It also feels nothing like that at all and Todd's heart is thumping wildly as he climbs down the stairs to the second floor. His old room is now a sort of combination craft room and storage room his mother barely uses. Todd pulls the door open gently and it squeaks a little on it's hinges. He goes to the window and looks across into Neil's room but there's nobody there and the light is off.

Todd's about to turn around and go back upstairs when suddenly there's a knock on the window. He turns in time to see a pair of legs, feet kicking at the pane. Todd pulls the window open and Neil Perry tumbles in, dressed all in black with black war paint under his eyes like a football player. "Hello Todd," He says grinning like the madman he is, "Ready to go on an adventure?"


	3. ii

ii

* * *

"What the hell!" Todd hisses as quietly as he can, "How did you-"

"Climbed out my window, onto the roof, used the maple tree to climb onto your roof and climbed down from there." Neil says as if this is an obvious answer. He looks around the room, "Well this is different...I don't like it."

"What are you even doing here? In my house? Dressed like that? At 1:45 in the morning?"

"Weren't you listening? We're going on an adventure." Neil says starting for the door, "C'mon."

"But-" Todd says but Neil places a finger to his lips and creeps into the hallway. Todd really has no option but to follow him, he can't just have a wild Neil Perry roaming around in his house. He follows him down the stairs and into the garage.

"Neil!" Todd says as loudly as he dares, "What's going on?"

Neil ignores him, "Can we open the garage door without the automatic opener? I don't want to wake up your parents because next thing you know they're calling my parents and ruining our adventure."

"Yeah, but Neil-"

"How?"

"There's handles, but Neil listen-"

"These?" Neil asks gesturing at the handles.

"Yes, but-"

"Perfect!" Neil says and starts yanking the garage door up and bringing in the warm June night. He laughs to himself.

"Neil!" Todd hisses, "You haven't even- and haven't -and we don't -and I'm not even wearing shoes!" Which is not what he was going for even if it's true.

"Well, then go put some shoes on." Neil says glancing down at Todd's feet. "Here give me the keys, I'll get the van into the street and shut the garage door."

"No." Todd says anger rising in him.

"Okay, I can wait until you get back."

"No Neil, I mean that I am not giving you my keys and we are not going on some ridiculous adventure. You're going to go home and I'm going to go back to bed. Good night." Todd turns on his heel but Neil catches his hand.

"Wait, Todd-"

"No, you don't get to do this. You don't get to stop being my friend when it's inconvenient and then come waltzing back into my life when you need something. If you want to go on an adventure so badly ask Charlie Dalton."

"You're right." Neil says after a pause, "Look, I do need something but it's not your car or your help it's you Todd. I can't do this without you. I can't do this with Charlie or Ginny or anyone else because I have always done my adventures with _you_."

"When we were kids playing around in the woods. But I don't sneak out of the house and go on adventures because-because I'm not like you Neil."

"Well don't you think you could be?"

"No-I don't know. The point is that I'm not going on this adventure with you so you can just go home."

"No." He's got that stupid grin on his face and Todd is torn between wanting to kiss him and wanting to smack him.

"What do you mean 'no'?"

"No."

Todd can feel his resolve slipping already. He sighs, "Fine, fine. Here's the keys. I'll get my shoes." When he comes back into the garage his van is gone and the door is closed. He slips out the side door and the van is already on the street.

Todd jogs down the driveway and is surprised to see Neil already in the passenger seat. His long legs barely fit behind the dashboard. Todd climbs into the drivers side and starts the car, which sounds impossibly loud in the night. "So where are we going on this adventure?" Todd asks dryily.

"School." Neil says giddily.

"You woke me up at 1:45 to go to school? What the hell kind of adventure is this?"

"Just drive, it'll be worth it I promise."

They drive out of their subdivision which is completely dark and silent. It's a bit eerily actually, like a ghost town. Every little groan of the engine seems like it'll wake up everyone for miles around. "Geez Anderson, your car really sucks." Neil says.

"At least I have a car." Todd mutters under his breath.

"Touche. Turn here." Neil points as if Todd doesn't know how to get to his own school. It's quiet for a while as they drive in silence. Neil pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket and studies it carefully. Todd gives him a sideways glance.

"Hey, I'm sorry about you and Ginny." Todd says, just to have something to say. Or at least he pretends that's why.

"Oh, yeah." Neil says distractedly, "Well you know, these things happen. Especially before graduation and everything. I'm going off to school and Ginny'll still be here."

Todd stares at him as much as one can while driving. "What?" Neil says.

"You guys dated for like two whole years, you break up, you're clearly not upset about it yet you guys are still acting like best friends. What gives?"

Neil sighs and looks out his window. Todd thinks maybe he's fucked everything up and now Neil will demand he take him back home. It's a while before Neil says, "Can you keep a secret?"

"Well yeah, duh."

"No I mean like a real secret. Not one you only tell to one or two trustworthy people, like you can't tell anyone." Neil looks as worried as Todd has ever seen him.

"Okay."

"Promise."

"I promise." Todd says.

Neil inhales sharply through his nose and then exhales deeply. "Ginny was never my girlfriend."

"What? But you guys were always like holding hands and stuff. You were facebook official." Jesus Christ, Todd can't believe he just said 'facebook official', he's such an idiot.

Neil grins at him wryly, "You're such an idiot." But he says in much more nicely than Todd's mind did. "Okay, how about Ginny was my pretend girlfriend. Better?"

"Only a little. Why would you need a pretend girlfriend I mean at least a third of the girls at school would go out with you."

"You just drove through a red light." Neil says.

Todd looks in his rearview, "Crap. Let's hope there's no camera."

"You better hope there's no camera. I don't have a car." Neil smirks.

"You didn't answer my question."

"Well me and Ginny are really close and her parents were always on her case about finding a good boyfriend and my parents were always on my case about having a good girlfriend. So it just seemed easier to pretend. We like each other fine, we were going to hang out anyways. I mean it wasn't really a big deal."

"Wow, that was a great story which completely didn't answer my question at all. So you pretend to be dating Ginny, okay sure, but never in that entire two years did you ever think 'hmmm, I could have an actual girlfriend because I am Neil Perry and I am handsome, smart, popular, and nice'. "

"No." Neil says.

"Stop doing that!"

"I thought you knew." Neil says, grinning a little, like it's in spite of himself.

"Knew what?"

Neil turns in his seat, "Todd, I don't like girls."

It's a really good thing it's the middle of the night and the streets are deserted because Todd slams on the brakes and they're stopped in the middle of the road.

"Jesus, Todd!" Neil exclaims rubbing at his windpipe. "Ow."

"Sorry," Todd says checking his mirrors (surprise, surprise no ones around him) and eases off the brakes.

"That was not the reaction I was expecting." Neil says.

"Sorry, you just...I didn't know and...me too." Todd says, which is only half true. He's never really been attracted to anyone other than Neil and the fact that he was a boy always seemed so secondary to the fact that he was well, Neil.

They drive in silence the rest of the way.

Todd pulls into the student parking lot at 2:03 am and pulls right up alongside the push hall that separates the parking lot from the courtyard. "So what are we doing exactly?" Todd asks putting the van in park.

"Okay, so this is the part I didn't want to tell you ahead of time because I thought it might freak you out." Neil says.

"Oh goody."

"Look, I did a trial run yesterday and it went fine and that was only with one person."

"Okay, fine just tell me what it is." Todd says.

"We're going to use the van to climb on to the roof of the push hall and then climb up the tree in the courtyard onto the roof." Todd must look scared because Neil says, "No look, it's going to be fine. I've see you climb a million trees before."

"When I was like _10_" Todd hisses, "This is insane!"

"It's an adventure! You can't spell adventure without insane."

"...Yes you can..."

"That's not the point. The point is it's time to take chances, make mistakes, and get messy!" And with that Neil climbs out of the passanger seat and pulls himself on top of the van.

"Did you just quote The Magic School Bus at me!?" Todd shouts getting out of the van, but Neil only grin at him before pulling himself onto the roof of the push hall and disappearing.

Getting up onto the top of the push hall wasn't actually that hard. But standing up there and looking at the tree they were supposed to climb Todd though he might as well have been looking at Mount Everest.

"Ready?" Neil asks and he's practically flushed with excitement, the tips of his ears bright pink. Todd makes his hands into a cradle and Neil uses it as a boost into the tree. As far as trees go it's not a bad one to climb, it's branches are thick and Todd's already making a mental map of how he's going to get up it. Just because he knew he could climb this tree didn't change the fact that he really didn't want to.

The thing was Todd hadn't climbed a tree since he was 11 when he attempted to climb the big maple tree on the edge between the Anderson and Perry properties. He had climbed that tree at least a hundred times but that was the first time he had attempted it without Neil and Todd had fallen three quarters of the way up. He broke his left wrist in two places and his mother had called an arbourist to come and cut off some of the lower branches. It hadn't mattered though, Todd's tree-climbing days were over. Until now.

Todd pulls himself on a branch and is already looking for his next foothold. It's only a 12 foot climb but Neil is almost all the way to the roof of the school. He's on a branch waiting for Todd and that helps. Todd just concentrates on making his way to Neil and stops thinking about the phantom pains in his wrists and how when he fell he was sure he was going to die. He doesn't think about that and suddenly Neil's hand is reaching out to clasp his and he's pulling him onto the roof.

It's funny, because they're not even that high up, only two storeys but everything already looks so insignificant from this angle. His van the size of a deck of cards. "C'mon," Neil says beckoning Todd over to to a weird hatch on the roof.

"What's that?" Todd asks.

"It's a access hatch for the custodians." Neil says like this is somehow obvious. "It's leads right into the drama storage room."

"And it's just unlocked?"

"Nope." Neil says grinning and pulling a key out of his pocket, "Being drama club president has its perks." He opens the hatch and there must be a ladder or something because he climbs down into the dark. "Come on Todd!" He calls from down below.

Todd climbs down into the pitch black and his feet hit the floor awkwardly when he tries to go for another rung that isn't there. He can feel more than see Neil standing right in front of him and he hopes Neil can't hear the way his heart is thundering.

Suddenly a light clicks on. Todd blinks because it's way too bright way too fast. "Sorry 'bout that" Neil says and he's somehow managed to get to the other side of the room. It's a complete mess littered with set pieces and costumes and props from their latest show. A Midsummer Night's Dream, Todd had gone to every performance and sat in the back. If anyone asked it was because he thought it was important to support the drama club. If Neil asked it was because Todd wanted to watch him.

"You were really great in the play," Todd says, Neil's always been a good actor, ever since they did their Christmas play in grade 1, The Polar Express. Neil only had one line - "Golly!"- but somehow he managed to steal the show nevertheless.

Neil snorts, "Tell my dad that. He didn't even bother coming. He thinks it's a waste of time. As if I haven't spend the majority of my time working my ass off to get into Harvard to make _him_ happy." His voice has gone dangerous all of a sudden and Todd has never seen Neil like this. He's heard him argue with his dad before, just wordless shouts coming through the walls between their houses, but he's never imagined that Neil didn't want to go to Harvard.

"Oh here it is." His voice is completely different, full of energy and life, the Neil Todd's always known. Neil pulls a painted set piece out of the way to reveal stacked milk crates against the wall. At least a dozen of them Todd guesses. They seem to be filled with red plastic cups. The type people have a parties.

"What the hell?" Todd asks.

"It's my secret collection." Neil says proudly.

"Your secret collection of cups?"

"No, it's my collection of secrets." Neil laughs gleefully and it's like he's Puck again, magical yet dangerous.

They carry the milk crates full of cups (which are wonderfully light) out of the drama storage room, down the stairs and onto the main floor. Neil disappears somewhere and reappears with two pitchers filled with water. He had shown Todd a diagram of what they were doing upstairs in the storage room but Todd still isn't convinced it's going to work. They're going to cover the entire main floor of the school with cups filled half way with water. But they have to do it in such a way that they end back up at the stairwell so they can get upstairs and back out of the school.

It's dumb, it's time consuming, and it's very, very Neil Perry.

"You're going to be on water, we can only go as fast as we can get them filled so you're going to have to run to the cooking classroom upstairs to get refills. I'll do the cups." Neil says.

Todd pulls a few of them out of the crate. Along the side they say things like: _jennifer mccreedy has a beautiful voice _or_ brent lynch is cheating on his girlfriend._

"What's this?"

"It's my secret collection." Neil takes the cups from him, "It's every secret I've gotten out of this place. Some are nice some are not but they are all true and they all need to be said."

Todd frowns, "Look," Neil says, "I know what you're thinking, but I don't decide who gets what secret, they did. With their actions. Nice people get nice secrets, bad people get back secrets."

"I dunno Neil, this seems kind of..." He waves his hand, "Is it really fair of you to be the scales of justice?"

"This is high school. The scales of justice don't exist here. Now go, get water."

Neil's planned it out well, the cooking classroom is right at the top of the stairs so he doesn't have to go far. Though by the 12th or 13th trip he's starting to think it would have been easier to just buy those big water cooler jugs instead of using him as a human mule.

They're a pretty good team but it still takes almost 3 hours to get the entire first floor covered, and even then that's only the hallways. It's funny because Todd is tired, both mentally and physically but he can't help but feel proud as they stand in the doorway of the stairwell and admire their work.

"That's a lot of cups." Todd says.

"It's a lot of secrets," Neil agrees. "There's at least one for everyone."

Todd turns and looks at Neil's profile, "What about me?"

"Well of course there's a secret for you." Neil grins, "But you'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out. Or more accurately, you'll have to wait until three hours from now."

Todd's stomach turns over and his nerves must show on his face because Neil reaches over and pats him on the shoulder, "Hey, you're a good person. It's a good secret. I promise."

Todd goes first out of the hatch because Neil has to put the storage room back together the right way. He waits on the roof and stares out over towards the subdivision, the country club. He feels like this should be important, that looking at the places he's grown up in from a distance should make him feel big. Or small. Or at least something. But Todd feels nothing as he stares out.

Neil reemerges from the hatch and locks it. "I wish we could stay up here to watch the sunrise," He says, "Oh well, places to go, people to see." His war paint is smudged off so it looks a bit like he's been punched. They stand shoulder to shoulder looking out into the early morning. The sun hasn't started to rise yet but the sky has lightened considerably from when they arrived at the school.

"What's it like?" Todd asks without really meaning to, the filter between his mouth and his brain suddenly ceasing to exist.

"What's what like?"

"Being you?"

Neil's silent for a long minute. "I don't know." He finally admits swallowing. "What's it like being you?" He turns to look at Todd and it's intense and intimate and strange.

If Todd were a braver person, if he was someone like Neil, then he would have taken the opportunity, he would have seized the day, or the night or whatever, he would have kissed Neil. But Todd was not someone else, he was not someone like Neil, he was Todd. So he turns and begins to climb back down the tree.

They listen to the radio on the drive back, some stupid top 40 station that plays all the songs Todd hates but likes in spite of himself. Neil sings along, not under his breath, but loudly and without restraint. There's a couple of cars on the road even though it's so early and Todd wonders what they must look like. Two teenagers, one in rumpled clothes, the other dressed like a ninja, singing along loudly to the radio.

"Do you want to get donuts?" Todd asks since he's hungry and the coffee shop is the only thing that will be open this early.

"Is there a time when anyone ever has not wanted donuts?"

Todd takes that as a yes and pulls into the drive thru. He's just going to order a half dozen assorted but Neil leans right over him and yells into the speaker instead. They're pressed right up together and it's so familiar and innocent that it seems crazy that he and Neil haven't been friends for years. When Todd accepts the box at the window he's surprised to discover Neil has ordered two sour cream glazed, one chocolate dip, one sprinkle dip, a double chocolate and a blueberry fritter.

"You remembered my favourite donuts?" Todd asks, genuinely flattered.

Neil shrugs, "You have good taste. Ba dum tss!" He reaches over and snags the double chocolate shoving it into his mouth.

"That's disgusting."

"Your face is disgusting." Neil says cheeks still full of donut.

"What are you twelve?"

"I'm twelve and a half thank you very much" And it's such a stupid joke but Todd smiles anyways and turns the radio back on.

They turn the radio off when they get into the subdivision. They don't see anyone but an older lady out for a power walk but even still, driving around at 5:30 in the morning isn't exactly the type of thing they'd want their parents to hear about.

Todd pulls into his driveway, "Do you want me to help you open the garage?" Neil asks, his voice almost a whisper now. The loud singing forgotten.

"Nah, it's fine." Todd says even though his dad'll pitch a fit about it if he sees. It's dumb really, he made Todd buy a crappy mini-van with his own money so he would appreciate the car and then he forces him to park in the garage so the neighbours won't see it. "How're you going to get back into your house?"

"Back door. The security system turns off at 5:00 am. I'll be fine." Neil smiles at him and opens the passenger door and shuts it very quietly.

Todd does the same and watches as Neil vaults over his fence into his backyard. Turning around to give him a wave before disappearing from view.

The sugar from the donuts and the adrenaline from completing the prank is starting to wear off and it's all Todd can do to get back in the house and climb up the two flights of stairs to his room. He doesn't even bother to change out of his clothes, he just flops on the bed on top of the covers and is asleep almost instantly.

But not before he sees the new message on his computer.

_sexymotherpucker: best. adventure. ever._


	4. iii

iii

* * *

The intercom is buzzing angrily at him, which may explain why Todd was dreaming of being attacked by bees.

"Todd! Last call, you need to get up now or you're going to be late for school!" His mother's voice says and then for good measure she throws in a few extra buzzes.

Todd groans, rolls over and then presses the respond button, "Okay, I'm coming."

His clock says it's 7:34 which means he was asleep for two hours. He groans and sits up. Todd considers momentarily faking sick so he could stay home and sleep but he's too curious to see everyone's reactions to the cups. And besides he wants to see his secret.

He hauls himself out of bed, skips the shower and just pulls on a new shirt. His jeans are fine, if a little wrinkled. His hair is ridiculous but there's almost nothing he can do about that so he runs a comb through it and prays his mother is too busy to notice it. Todd is just cramming a few things in his bag and walking down the stairs towards the door when his dad calls him.

"Todd!"

"Yes." Todd says as politely as someone in a rush can manage.

"You left your car in the driveway, this is your first and last warning."

Todd rolls his eyes but tries to make his voice sound sincere, "Okay dad, I'm very sorry, won't happen again."

He glances over at Neil's house but there's no sign of him. Mr. Perry leaves early for work and Mrs. Perry likes to sleep in so the whole house is quiet. Besides, Neil usually leaves after him and catches a ride with Charlie Dalton who lives a few streets over.

It's a lucky thing actually that Knox's getting a ride with Chris because Todd is running far enough behind that stopping to get him probably would have made him late. Nostalgically (if one can be nostalgic for something that happened a few hours ago) Todd turns on the radio station they had sung to and hums along to a Katy Perry song.

The empty donut box is sitting on the floor in front of the passenger seat.

When he pulls into the student parking lot Todd can tell everyone's up in arms about Neil's prank. The Vice Principal is standing by the doors and trying to stop people from going into the school, which is working horribly because there are four other entrances on this side of the building alone. He spots Knox and jogs over to him. He's standing with Chris and Ginny Danbury who are both laughing at something he's said.

"Hey," Todd says, trying to sound casual, "What's going on?"

"Todd, Jesus! It's brilliant. Someone's put these cups filled with water _everywhere_ on the main floor, it's insane. Check it out." Knox pullsout his phone and bring up a picture, "It's the craziest best senior prank ever. I put the picture on Tumblr, it's already got like a thousand notes."

"You have tumblr?" Ginny asks.

Knox chooses to ignore her, "But that's not even the best part, each cup has something about someone written on it. Most of them are just nice things but some of them...oh boy."

"Brent Lynch got dumped over his. Though I mean he does deserve it." Chris says shrugging. "I heard someone say that everyone in school has one." She looks worried for a moment, "I wonder what mine says."

"Yours couldn't possibly say something bad because there's nothing bad to say about you." Knox says and Chris gives him a winning smile.

It's hard to believe that this was the same kid who yesterday morning who was panicking about asking a girl out.

The first bell rang and it was very confusing, people didn't seem to know whether to go to their first period classes or to stay outside. Some people who had gone into the school earlier were holding red cups, presumably with their secrets on them. Or possibly other people's to use as blackmail.

Inside the building most of the cups have already been knocked over, the two inches or so of water in them on the floor. Todd had heard the Vice Principal call it a terrible act of vandalism, but really it was just water. There would be no problem in cleaning it, and the students would pick up the cups out of curiosity now that they knew their were secrets on them. Todd's impressed with the fact that Neil has dreamed up a prank that cleans itself up.

The hallway where Todd's locker is was relatively free of cups by now. Mostly they had been stacked and placed against the wall where people were rummaging through them. There's puddles of water all over the floor but nothing too bad. Todd's only just starting to wonder if he should look for his cup when Meeks marches up to him obviously furious.

"Have you seen this?" He says thrusting a cup in Todd's face, _steven meeks needs to open his eyes_ it says down the side with a little picture of glasses underneath. "What the hell is that supposed to mean? It's like a fortune cookie. Open my eyes? Open my eyes to what?"

Todd shrugs, he thinks Meeks is maybe being a bit melodramatic but he probably wouldn't be in the greatest mood either if Charlie Dalton sent him a kissogram. "Maybe you're right, maybe it's just like a generic fortune cookie type thing." Todd says, even though he knows it's not because Neil would never write something that wasn't true, or at least that Neil thinks isn't true.

Meeks makes a face but doesn't comment further, "This was pretty cool though," He gestures around and the cups. "I admire I dedication." When they walk by a recycling bin he throws his cup out.

All day the cups are all anyone can talk about, did you hear so-and-so said this, apparently what's-her-face loves him, stuff like that. Neil isn't in philosophy class and Todd can't help but be upset that he's missing this. But knowing Neil it's just another part of the plan. Layers upon layers upon layers, that was always his style.

Todd sits with Knox and Chris in the courtyard at lunch. Chris has found her cup already, _chris noel is going to win the rotary scholarship (because she deserves it, duh), _and even though she insists she already knew she was going to get it she seems more smile-y than usual. Maybe it's the whole cup thing, maybe it's the fact that it's the second last week of high school ever or maybe it's just the fact that Todd is running on very little sleep but he's feeling a little more smile-y than usual himself.

"Ginny thinks it was Neil," Chris says scraping the bottom of her pudding cup with a spoon. "I dunno, it's Neil's style and all but I mean no one seems to know what happened. If it was Neil he would have had at least one person help him and Ginny doesn't know and Charlie Dalton can't keep his mouth shut about anything."

Knox rolls his eyes, "Well that goes without saying."

"Why do you hate him so much anyways? Didn't you guys used to be friends?" Chris asks.

Todd shakes his head, "Chris, you don't want to get him started on-"

"It was the summer of '07!" Knox starts dramatically gesturing wildly, "A young handsome Knox Overstreet is off to camp for a summer of adventure with his best friend Charlie Dalton. Their days are filled with canoe races and cute girls in bikinis. A specific girl catches young Knox's eye, Jenna Wu, her dark hair flying behind her as she plays capture the flag, her voice like an angel as she sings kumbaiya." He pauses, "It is important to note that the many virtues of Jenna Wu pale in comparison to the countless virtues of Chris Noel."

Chris coos and clasps Knox's arm, "Awww, you're so sweet!"

"Anyways, the end of summer dance rolls around and young ambitious Knox tries to work up his courage to ask the beautiful and elusive Jenna Wu to dance. Enter Charlie Dalton who tells Knox that he will convince Jenna to dance with him. Knox, seeing that Charlie has managed to wrangle himself several different camp girlfriends mostly despite the fact that he is ridiculously short and has a stupid face, agrees to let him try."

"Do you have to refer to yourself in the third person?" Todd asks

"Shhh, Knox is speaking. Where was I? Ah yes, so Knox agrees to have Charlie act as his wingman in a last ditch effort to woo Jenna Wu (see what I did there?). So Charlie disappears to work his magic, and young, naive, yet still devilishly handsome Knox waits. After waiting for twenty minutes and no sign of Charlie or Jenna young Knox gives up and decides to go back to his cabin heartbroken. Outside the dining hall he hears a noise, is it a fox? A raccoon? No, lo and behold it is Jenna and Charlie in front of the fire pit kissing." He pauses dramatically, "With _tongue_!"

Chris raises her eyebrows so high they disappear behind her fringe. "What? We were twelve kissing with tongue was a big deal."

"Let me get this straight, you're no longer friends with Charlie Dalton because he kissed a girl you liked with tongue when you were 12?"

"No, I am no longer friends with Charlie Dalton because he is a short, weasel-faced, pretentious jerk with bad taste in hats who happened to kiss a girl I liked when I was 12 with tongue." Knox huffs, obviously annoyed that Chris isn't being as sympathetic as he had expected but trying very hard to cover it up. It's a bit weird actually, how well they click despite only having really spent time together since yesterday.

"Hey," Ginny Danbury appears from the the push hall looking worried, "I've been looking for you. Have you heard from Neil today?"

For a heart-pounding moment Todd thinks that she means him but Ginny doesn't even glance in his direction as she scoots onto the bench beside Chris.

"Uh, no why?" Chris asks.

"Because he sent Charlie a text this morning saying he didn't need a ride and then he text me to say he can't come over tonight to work on our Sociology project."

"So?" Chris says, "He's probably just sick or something. Besides, I mean, no offence Gin, but Neil probably doesn't want to spend a lot of time alone with you right now."

Ginny frowns, "What? Why woul-" Todd watches her faces as she catches herself, "I mean, sure maybe he's still a little upset but it's our final project. Neil wouldn't bail on me like that. It's 30% of our final grade."

It's funny how obvious things become once you know the secrets. Todd feels almost idiotic for thinking Ginny and Neil were ever really together. Though, pretend dating aside Ginny clearly cares a lot about Neil.

"I saw Neil last night," Todd blurts out without really thinking about, "Yeah, he was in his room at home." Which is a stupid thing to say because of course Neil would be at home in his room on a Monday night.

"Right, you live next door, don't you?" Ginny says giving Todd a closed mouth smile, "He's probably just sick or something then." The bell rings and Chris and Knox disappear walking shoulder to shoulder so their hands brush together.

"They're cute together aren't they?" Ginny says, "I mean I know Chet is my brother and I should be on his side but Chris deserves so much better than him. They were just never _right_ together, you know?"

Todd shrugs surprised that Ginny is still talking to him. "You have free period next right?" She says hoisting her backpack on.

"Uh, yeah."

"Good so you're not busy, let's walk together." She falls into step easily with him despite being almost a foot shorter.

"Have you found your cup yet?" She asks

Todd shakes his head, "You?"

"Yeah, this morning, Gerard found it actually and gave it to me. It said 'Ginny Danbury deserves to be happy'" She makes air quotes with her fingers. She lowers her voice, "I mean I know Neil did it but he didn't have to be so obvious."

Todd frowns, "How is that obvious?" Ginny's cup seems oddly generic for someone who Neil clearly knows well and cares about.

"No capitals."

"Yeah, he's always had a thing about capitals I don't know why."

Ginny purses her lips, "You guys used to be good friends right?"

"Well yeah, I mean we're still kind of friends. I mean not _friends_ but we're friends." We're good enough friends to go on adventures together, Todd thinks.

"You know, that made approximately zero sense." Ginny says halting in front of a classroom door. "Well this is my stop. See you later Todd."

"Yeah, sure." Todd says. His phone vibrates in his pocket. Text from an unknown number. For a second he thinks it's Neil but it's from Chris. _Are you sure you don't want me to set you up with Ginny? You walked her to class, sounds like a romance in the making! -C_

Todd rolls his eyes and shoves his phone back in his pocket. He finds Meeks in one of the study carousels in the library his head rested in his arms. "Meeks?" Todd says, unsure if he's asleep or just resting.

"Don't call me that," he says, more of a reflex than anything else his head still cradled in his arms.

"Don't you have physics?" Todd says sitting across from him even though he has a lot of work he needs to get done.

"I handed in my essay, technically I'm done until exams. Mr. Daley doesn't care." He mumbles into the table.

"Is Charlie still bothering you?"

He hauls his face off of the table. He's taken his glasses off and they're resting on the top of his head. Meeks has one of those faces where he just _looks_ like he can't see without his glasses. He grabs them and puts them on. "I sort of screamed at him during Chem. It was not my proudest moment."

"Like a manly warrior scream?"

Meeks gives him a look, "I sort of threatened to disembowel him with a wrench."

"Sort of?"

"There may have been some other words involved that my mother would disown me for saying."

Todd frowns. It's like everything decided to go all weird right at the same time. Neil's prank, Chris and Knox going to prom, this whole thing with Charlie. One of them would have been enough to handle but now there's too much to try and focus on and Todd's having a hard enough time staying awake as it is. Which may explain why suddenly he's being shaken by the librarian and told that the bell for last period has rung.

Todd tromps upstairs to math class stretching and yawning trying to wake himself up again. "Todd! Hey Todd!" He turns just in time to have a wall of Gerard Pitts almost slam into him. "Oh, hey sorry man." He says catching himself.

Gerard Pitts is arguably the nicest person Todd knows, he used to be homeschooled but transferred for his senior year because he wanted an 'authentic high school experience'. He's kind of friends with Meeks but Todd has never really spoken to him outside of quick hellos and small talk.

"I found your cup!" He says, "It's a bit weird yours so I hope you're not too disappointed."

Todd's heart jumps into overdrive and he feels a rush of adrenaline course through him. It makes sense that his message would be weird, he'd be the only one who knew for sure it was a message from Neil. Gerard fishes the red plastic cup out of his bag and hands it to him. "Here you go, have an awesome afternoon!" He says before bounding down the hall, Todd, oddly, is reminded of Clifford the Big Red Dog.

He walks into class, cup in hand and slinks into his seat in the back corner. He finished making his equation sheet the other day so he just needs to work on the review for the exam. Math has always come pretty easily to Todd, not as easily as writing has, but he's never had to struggle with it. It's all just codes and logic. Though he hates graphing with a passion, he can never make the numbers on the page convert quickly to an image like other people can.

Todd flips the cup over, in Neil's familliar writing it says; _Todd Anderson, thank you for everything_, there's a small heart drawn underneath and there are lines radiating from it like a sunshine. Todd can feel the warmth rushing to his face. There's a heart. He drew him a heart.

He reads the words again, feeling greedy, feeling like this is a sign of...well maybe not Neil's undying love, but of something and something very important. Todd notices, suddenly, that there's something else. He's used capitals, he's used capitals on his name. Neil stopped using capitals properly on anything other than school related things when they were about 8. He thought it was unfair to let some letters be special and not others.

"Capitals don't even really exist," He had said, "When you're talking there aren't any capitals. Just sounds. And all sounds are equally important."

But Neil had bothered to make Todd's name capitalized. He had the urge to climb onto his desk and shout something loudly, to make everyone else aware of the fact that Neil Perry thought he was different from all of them. That he was special.

Todd knew he was grinning stupidly as he worked through his math review but he couldn't help it and he didn't really care. Even when Cameron leaned over and told him he looked like a mannequin. It didn't matter because as soon as he got home he was going to go see Neil. He was going to do what he should have done on the roof top but had been too scared to do. Because Todd wasn't scared anymore, he had been capitalized in the eyes of Neil Perry and that was all he had ever wanted. Ever since he had been 13 and they had been side by side in the snow.

He practically bolts out the door when the bell rings shoving through a pack of tenth grade girls in an attempt to get to his locker faster. The floors are still slippery from the water and Todd nearly falls twice as he half walk-half jogs anxious to get out of the building as fast as possible. He curses under his breath when his lock doesn't unlock his first time trying the combination.

"Dammit, dammit" He mutters starting over and wrenching it free. He's grabbing his books and papers and shoving them into his bag inelegantly. He hears Knox call his name but he ignores him, too focused on getting out of here, getting to Neil. He grabs his philosophy textbook and then it happens.

A red plastic cup with a white rim, the same as the ones kids buy for parties, the same as the ones staked in the halls or in the recycling, and the same as the one he has tucked into his backpack tumbles out from the top shelf of Todd's locker. It falls the the ground with a light clatter, open side down. Todd stares at it like it's dangerous because that's how it feels. He already has his cup, his perfect capitalized cup that was out with all the other ones. This has been placed in his locker, this is something different and new.

"Hey." Knox says appearing beside him, "Didn't you hear me calling? Chris invited us over to use her pool. Do you wanna come? It's got a slide and a waterfall and everything! What do you think?" Todd can hear Knox, but it's like he's underwater or through glass. Everything has faded around him and he feels dizzy and sick.

"Todd?" Knox asks in a way that makes Todd think it must not have been the first time he called his name. "Are you okay?"

Todd bends down and grabs the cup, because as much as he dreads what might be written on it, a secret so secret that Neil couldn't put it out among the others, he has to know. His hands are shaking so badly that he almost drops it and he can feel Knox looking at him with concern and caution.

Todd takes a deep breath and turns the cup over, Neil's cup. And it's worse than anything he imagined. There, in angry black against red is Neil's deepest darkest secret and Todd's worst nightmare:

_NEIL PERRY IS NEVER COMING BACK_


	5. iv

iv

* * *

There are cop cars in Neil's driveway when Chris drops him off at his house. They wouldn't let him drive, not after what happened in the hallway. Todd's not looking forward to having to explain to his dad why his van is still in the student parking lot.

Knox and Chris had tried to be perky on the drive home, reassuring Todd that his worries weren't true. "He probably just means he's not coming back because he's going off to Harvard and stuff." Knox said turning around in the passenger seat to look at Todd with that therapist look he had learned from his mom. But even Knox and Chris can't pretend when they see the cop cars.

Todd catches a glimpse of Mr. Perry talking to an officer. Neil and his dad haven't always gotten along, not even when Neil was little, but Todd can't see that leading to him running away. None of it makes any sense. Neil is smart and popular. He's going to Harvard in the fall and despite what he said on the roof last night he's always been so excited about it any other time Todd has seen him talking about it.

Knox and Chris exchange glances in the front seat. "Are you sure you don't want to come to my house for while?" Chris asks.

Todd shakes his head and steps out of the car. "Thanks for the ride." He says quietly still looking over at the cop cars in the Perry's driveway.

"Okay, see you later Todd," Chris says quietly, the way you'd talk to an injured animal.

His mother is sitting in the living room when he opens the front door, which is unusual because she has her bookclub on Wednesday afternoons Or as Todd likes to think of it '50-Somethings-Pretend-to-Read-a-Book-with-a-Movie-Adaptation-and-Drink-Wine' Club.

"Mom?" Todd says because she's staring out one of their windows at the Perry's house, obviously snooping.

"Todd!" She says, startled, pulling away from the window and dropping the curtain she was holding, "What have I told you about sneaking up on me? Shouldn't you be at work?"

"It's Wednesday, I don't work on Wednesdays."

His mother gets up from her chair, "Oh yes, of course."

"Why are there cops at Neil's house?" He asks even though he knows the answer, but his mother might know things he doesn't. Everyone in their neighbourhood gossips. Especially his mother's friends.

"Well dear," She says in what Todd guesses is supposed to be a soothing tone, "Neil has gone missing."

It's worse somehow, hearing it from her. "Don't you have to wait 24 hours before you call in a missing person?"

"Not with a minor." His mother says, "Even if the police are fairly certain this is a runaway situation not a kidnapping." She lowers her voice, as if the Perry's will hear them.

"Oh." Todd says, he had figured as much, people don't leave notes before they're kidnapped after all.

"Don't worry, I'm sure this will all be over with sooner rather than later. Neil's not the kind of boy to go running off into the blue. What an embarrassment for his parents though, his poor mother, she'll only blame herself."

It's strange because Todd hadn't realized how much he had already started to blame Mr. and Mrs. Perry. It had to be their fault, at least to an extent. His mother was right, this wasn't like Neil at all. Neil's smart, popular, handsome, ambitious, driven, passionate. He's the complete package and people like that don't go running off into the blue for no reason, people like Todd maybe. Even Charlie or Cameron in a fit of dramatics, but not Neil. Never Neil Perry.

"Oh and Todd." His mother says, turning just as he's about to head upstairs, "The window in my craft room was open. Do you know anything about that?"

Todd blinks, "No I-I don't." He says making a break upstairs before she can ask him anything more about it. Her mention of the window makes Todd realize that he was probably the last person to see Neil, less than 12 hours ago. Todd's stomach twists into knots, he should probably tell the police...but what good would that do? It's not as if Neil told him his detailed plans and besides if he tells Neil will get in trouble for the whole cup incident. Not to mention how much shit Todd himself will be in for being out gallivanting in the middle of the night and helping him.

Still Todd can't ignore the fact that he was the last person to see Neil. Maybe, in a way, he should be flattered, the way Neil picked him not only to be his accomplice but his witness. He still feels guilty though, still a little sick and a little anxious because he can't get the idea out of his mind that he missed something last night. Something huge and important that would make Neil run away.

_Todd Anderson, thank you for everything_. He thinks suddenly, his heart flying up to his throat as he rolls the words over in his mind. Because his secret, his message might not have been what he thought at all. Because in all honesty his message sounded much more like a suicide note than a goodbye.

Todd can't think, he wants to get the idea out of his head, it was insane, it was delusional. But there is was. That Neil Perry doesn't just mean he wasn't come back to school or that he was never coming home, that he was never coming back period. That he killed himself. The idea, the horrible sick idea, has taken root in Todd's mind and he can't shake it loose. It was crazy, it made even less sense than Neil running away but Todd can't stop thinking about it.

So Todd does what he does when he can't think straight. He calls Meeks.

"Hello?"

"It's me."

"Oh, hey what's up?" Meeks says, Todd can tell from his tone of voice that he doesn't know yet, "I thought you were going to go over to Chris' with Knox. Or was the whole lovey dovey thing driving you insane too?"

"What?"

"I mean I get it, it's new they're happy but honestly Knox won't shut up. And the thing is, relationships are like cats. You think yours is all special and amazing when actually it's pretty normal and average."

"Uh, sure okay."

"Sorry, what were you calling about?"

Todd took a long breath and let it out slowly. "I need to tell you something but I need to do it in person." It's too important to do on the phone.

There's a long pause, "Like right now?"

"Are you busy? Cause you could just come after dinner or whatever."

"No, no, right now is great. Right now is perfect actually!" And he sounds happy, or maybe just relieved. "You said this was really important right?"

"Yeah."

"Okay good. I'll be there in fifteen." He hangs up.

"That was weird..." Todd mutters under his breath throwing his phone down on his bed into the sea of tangled blankets and sheets. He should work on homework or something but the idea of going into his bag and seeing the twin red cups nestled together makes him feel kind of ill. So instead he boots up his computer and logs onto facebook.

He scrolls down Neil's wall looking for any sign that Neil was going to do this; run away (his doesn't let himself think of the other option).

_Neil Perry's relationship status changed from In a relationship to Single. _

_16 people like this_

Todd always thinks it's strange that people like breakup statuses. Or maybe it's more a gesture of sympathy like, 'I feel your pain'. Either way Todd already knows his breakup wasn't a factor. He keeps scrolling.

_Neil Perry_

_everyone break a leg tonight! last night of midsummer :( _

_5 people like this_

_Charlie Dalton: But Neil it's the middle of the spring_

_Neil Perry: you're a comedic genius dalton, real hilarious_

_Charlie Dalton: I try_

Todd frowns, most of Neil's recent statuses have been about the play going from auditions right up until the shows. He keeps scrolling, not sure if he's hoping to find something that proves Neil was somehow angry and depressed, wanting to get out of their town. At least then it would make some sort of sense. That's the worst part he thinks, that it doesn't make any sense.

_Neil Perry:_

_harvard acceptance came_

_27 people like this_

_Charlie Dalton: Dude, we're so going to be roommates!_

_Ginny Danbury: That's awesome Neil! Congrats, you must be so excited._

_Neil Perry: well my dad is_

Todd blinks at the screen. It's almost the same thing Neil had said to him last night. That he had worked so hard to get into Harvard to make his father happy. Todd, rather compulsively takes a screenshot of it, like he's playing junior detective or something.

His door opens and Meeks' head pops in. "Hey, sorry I'm late. My mother wasn't exactly happy that I was leaving." He chucks a small rectangular box at Todd, "Here. You want these?" It was a box of chocolates, and not just the kind you picked up at the gas station when you forgot someone's birthday. Like an actual fancy $40 box from the chocolate place in the mall.

"You don't want them?" Todd asks even though he's already opening the box and shoving an orange cream in his mouth.

"They're from Charlie Dalton so no." Todd chokes on his chocolate and it takes him a moment to clear his windpipe.

"He's buying you chocolate now? That's practically bribery, Meeks, Charlie is bribing you to go to prom with him? He must really want to win that bet."

"They're not bribe chocolates, they're apology chocolates. He came to my house to give them to me and said he was sorry that he upset me and then my mom invited him in and then you called so I said you had an emergency and got the hell outta there." He grabs one from the box, "These are pretty awesome though."

"Charlie Dalton was at your house?"

"He might still be, my mother was over the moon. God, if there's one thing I could do to make up for the disappointment of being gay in her eyes, it would be to date Charlie Dalton. But that's whatever, you said you needed to tell me something? Something secret?"

Todd sets the box of chocolates on the floor, so much for them being a metaphor for the randomness of life, these ones had a little guide under the lid. "You have to promise that you won't tell anyone. Not Knox or Gerard or anyone, okay?"

Meeks is looking at him strangely, and Todd doesn't blame him but this is important. "I promise." He says.

"The cup prank? It was me and Neil who did it, well he did it and I just helped." Meeks frowns, his forehead wrinkling, "I know, I know, just if you could hold all questions til the end. So Neil messaged me last night at like 1:00am and tells me to come down to my old bedroom and suddenly he's crawling in through the window. We took my car and then we climbed up the tree in the courtyard and there's a hatch in the roof that leads to the drama storage room and Neil's got all the cups – and no I don't know what yours meant because I know you're wondering – so we set them up and fill them with water. Then I drove him home and he snuck back into his house."

"Okaaaaaaay" Meeks says. "But why are you-"

"Neil's missing." Todd cuts him off, "He's just gone and the police think he's run away and I was the last person to see him, mostly likely anyways and I just, I'm getting worried that maybe he didn't just run away." He takes a deep breath, "I think maybe Neil killed himself."

Meeks has his eyes closed. He's sitting cross legged on the floor his back a straight line up the wall. "Okay, let me get this straight, Neil brings you along to do this prank that he'd obviously planned ahead of time and then he disappears but you think for some reason he's killed himself?"

"Pretty much."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why would Neil runaway? And why would he kill himself? What does Neil have to kill himself over?" Meeks winces, "That didn't come out right, I mean I don't know Neil that well but he's never seemed depressed, never seems to have family troubles or anything. It's not like we're best friends or anything, but why do you think Neil would have killed himself?"

Todd reaches into his backpack, "These, the top one was in my locker, Neil put it there for me to find, and only me. The other one was just in the hall with the others, but he capitalized my name. He didn't do that on _anyone_ else's."

Meeks stares at the cups for awhile not saying anything. Finally he sighs, "So you're thinking you should go to the police, yeah? Because you were the last one to see him and you have the cups?"

Todd nods mutely, "I think that's not the greatest idea. I mean I don't think your suicide theory makes that much sense. Obviously Neil was upset enough to runaway but killing yourself is a huge step away from that. Nevermind the fact that you'll get in huge trouble, you might even get criminal charges for breaking and entering not to mention what the admin will do. I just don't think you can afford to mess up your future over this." Meeks sighs, "I know you're worried about Neil. But he's probably just gone off on another adventure, one last one before the end of school. He'll probably show up at prom or something."

Meeks checks his watch, "I should probably go actually. My mom's already mad at me for leaving, better to not be late for dinner." He stands, his knees cracking loudly. "You can keep the chocolates if you want."

Todd does, but he's not feeling particularly hungry anymore. He knows Meeks is right, talking to the police will probably only cause problems for him and not help Neil at all. But he can't help feeling guilty despite it. It doesn't help either that Neil is all his parents and Jeffery talk about during dinner. His father seems to think that Neil is being childish and selfish, his mother is, slightly gloatingly, going on about how this is going to reflect on the Perry's (she's always had a sort of rivalry going on with Mrs. Perry) and Jeffery seems to think the whole thing is stupid.

"They're making a big deal out of nothing. Neil probably just skipped school and is staying with a friend or something. Doesn't he have a girlfriend?" Todd doesn't answer him.

It's the same on facebook, which Todd obsessively refreshes between flashcards for philosophy. There are already a dozen messages on Neil's wall and a 'Find Neil Perry' group which he's invited to join. Finally he just can't take it anymore and he turns his computer off, lying on his bed staring at the ceiling. He should keep studying for philosophy but even that makes him think of Neil, the way his silhouette looked hunched over his desk taking a note. Or the reading glasses he wore as he flipped through Sophie's World. Todd can't help thinking that he's failed Neil somehow, that if only last night he had said the right thing or done the right thing Neil would be next door, curled up safely in his near-perfect life.

His intercom buzzes, "Todd, the window in my craft room is still open, would you mind closing it?" his mom asks.

Todd doesn't want to, he really doesn't want to stand in the room where everything started last night but he knows his father will get involved if he says no so he heaves himself out of bed and down his stairs. Out of habit he reaches up and slaps the door frame at the bottom. The way he and Neil used to do when they were kids, jumping from the second last step. The paint has actually worn away a little right in the middle of the door frame. It's a good thing actually that his mother never comes into his room. She would have repainted it long ago.

The window has let in a breeze which has ruffled some of his mother's papers. Pink and blue and green in various patterns littered at his feet like a bizarre pile of leaves. Todd collects them up and sets them on a shelf.

He reaches for the top of the window, trying to avoid looking at Neil's room and failing miserably. His shade has been pulled down and Todd can't tell if he's disappointed or relieved. It takes him a second actually to notice it, that there's something on the shade and he frowns, squinting to try and read it. He runs back upstairs to his room, rummaging around in his closet for his binoculars. When his dad had bought them for his birthday years and years ago Todd had been upset, taking them as an obvious hint that his father hoped he'd join scouts like Jeffery had. But now he had never been more thankful.

He dashes back down to the second floor, almost tripping over the last step. He has to adjust the binoculars a few times but there was clearly something there, something written on a piece of paper, something that could only have possibly been meant for Todd and Todd alone.

_a day spent without the sight or sound of beauty, the contemplation of mystery, or the search of truth or perfection is a poverty-striken day; and a succession of these days is fatal to human life. _

The blood rushing in Todd's ears has nothing to with having just run up and down a flight of stairs. Neil is sending him on one more adventure.


	6. v

v

* * *

There's an assembly for Neil in the morning. The admin are obviously trying hard not to glamorize Neil's disappearance but they really don't need to. It's one thing if some random kid runs away but Neil is their king, the undisputed head of the pyramid. Popularity seldom works like it does in movies, with dumb jocks and mean girls at the top of the pile, the truly popular are those who reach out. Who have a sort of energy that draws you to them. Which is why everyone is taking Neil's disappearance as a personal lose and therefore a very bad thing.

At one point the chief of police makes a speech asking anyone who has any information to come forward. Todd glances over to where Meeks is sitting but he shakes his head. But Todd doesn't want to talk to the police anymore because this puzzle is just for him. His panic the night before, that Neil was dead, that he had killed himself seems so childish, so superficial.

_A succession of these days is fatal to human life_, the back of his mind whispers, but Todd pushes it away. Neil wouldn't leave Todd a clue, a puzzle, an adventure if he was dead because then what would their be to find? The body_, _his mind supplies but Todd ignores it. Neil was too alive, is too alive to be dead, he's somewhere, probably having a fantastic time, waiting for Todd to find him. He has to believe it because anything else doesn't make sense.

When the assembly is over Todd pushes his way through the crowd trying to get to Meeks but he looses sight of him in the wave of people. Instead he stumbles across Knox, surprisingly not with Chris but with Charlie Dalton. "-gonna be awesome." He hears Charlie, say obviously the end of some conversation.

"Uh, yeah," Knox says, sounding a little flustered, "I'll be there. Definitely."

Charlie nods, "Cool. Oh and you should tell Steven he should totally come to, I mean if he wants to, if he doesn't that's fine or whatever. I invited him already, but just remind him so he doesn't...forget."

"Okay. Thanks Charlie." Knox says. He frowns quizzically looking down at the square of paper in his hand.

Todd pushes through one last knot of freshmen and Charlie Dalton actually _winks_ at him when he passes. He rolls his eyes and looks away. Maybe it's childish to hate Charlie for 'stealing' Neil away from him but something about Charlie annoys him. "What was that about?" He asks coming to stand beside Knox, leaning against the auditorium wall.

The last time he had been in here had been for Midsummer on the closing night. He had decided to sit close, just to get a different view of the play, second row from the front on the far left. Todd isn't sure but he thinks Neil may have seen him sitting in the audience, their eyes meeting during Puck's final speech.

"Charlie just invited me to after-prom at his house. I mean Chris was already invited so I could have gone with her, but he actually gave me my own invitation." He hands it to Todd, the square of cardstock has Knox's name written at the top in looping silver lettering. "You should come too, I know you're not going to prom because you think it's bourgeois or whatever but after-prom is awesome."

"Hanging out with people I don't really know while they get drunk and make-out? Sounds fun." Todd rolls his eyes, "But I think I'll pass."

Knox shrugs, "Your loss." The auditorium is empty enough that they can get through the doors without trampling the underclassman. "Hey, did you hear about Neil?"

Todd blinks at him. Knox can be kind of oblivious sometimes but this is just ridiculous. "Uh, yeah we just came from an assembly all about him, remember?"

"What? No not _that_. Chris told me that apparently he's handed in all his projects early and he made appointments to get all his exams done early."

"What?"

"Yeah, he had like letters from his dad saying he had an admissions interview at Harvard next week so he needed to take them early. But there isn't any admissions interview, he just set this whole thing up in advance so he could graduate without being here."

Todd swallowed, suddenly nervous. If Neil was technically already done high school than there was absolutely nothing to make him come back. No, he couldn't think like that, he was supposed to find Neil. That was the plan, that was the puzzle. Probably.

He went to Wendy's with Knox and Chris because he knew Meeks would probably be off doing some chemistry experiment or whatever at lunch. Knox made a disgusted face as Chris dipped her fries in her Frosty.

"That's gross."

"It's delicious." Chris said, exaggeratedly dipping a fry in and eating it, "Mmmmmm..."

"You're so weird. I always had this idea in my mind that you were like this perfectly put together girl who only eats salads and has colour coordinated outfits. Now I learn you're this weirdo who eats fries with ice cream and can't swim."

"Did I shatter all your dreams?" Chris asks, neutrally but Todd can hear that it's a loaded question.

"Maybe a little. But I like weirdo Chris better, because she's real and she's the one I'm going to prom with."

Chris bites her lip and her and Knox are looking at each other in a way that makes Todd really uncomfortable to be witnessing. Not like it's gross or weird, just that it's intimate and he shouldn't be there.

"I'm going to go get some ketchup." Todd says sliding out of the booth to let Knox and Chris enjoy staring dreamily at each other in private.

He bumps into Gerard at the little condiments and napkins station. Literally, because he's not really paying attention. "Oh hey, sorry Todd!" Gerard says, once again reminding him of a large friendly dog. Or maybe a moose. "Isn't this the worst about Neil?"

"Yeah. It sucks."

"I remember on my first day Neil totally showed me around and introduced me to a bunch of people. I'll never forget that, because he wasn't just being nice because he thought he had to, you know? He really cared. I think maybe that was the problem, Neil cared so much about everyone else he forgot to care about himself. Maybe that's what this whole thing is about. Neil needing to take back something for himself." Gerard sighs, "I just hope he's okay. Wherever he is, probably caring about other people and decreasing world suck."

Todd wonders if Gerard is maybe onto something. That Neil was too busy being Neil Perry, Harvard Bound Model-Student and Citizen that he hadn't taken enough time to just be Neil. But why now? Why so close to the end of high school, when Neil would have the chance to reinvent himself so soon, did he choose to do it like this? Tearing the fabric of their lives and leaving all the raw edges exposed. You could sew it back together but the patterns would never match up again.

By the time Todd comes back to the table Knox and Chris are no longer gazing at each other longingly. Probably because Ginny has shown up and is wedged in the booth across from them. "You should come!" Chris is saying holding onto Ginny's hand, "It's going to be fun, and you know Charlie's party will be awesome. You already have a ticket and a dress and everything."

"I don't want to go!" Ginny says, obviously not for the first time. "I just don't okay, I'm glad you're excited but after this whole week I just want to go home tomorrow and watch Say Yes to the Dress in my pajamas. Okay?"

Chris huffs just slightly, "Fine. Okay."

"I heard Neil finished your sociology project." Todd says

Ginny nods, "He handed it in on Monday, he'll probably even get a good grade on it. 'The Life and Times of Lewis Mumford'" She makes a fake banner with her hands, "Neil, was always more interested in soc than me anyways."

"We should go." Knox says, "It's quarter after, do you need a ride?" He looks at Ginny who shakes her head. "Okay then. See you later Ginny."

Todd gets up out of the booth, his feet sticking a little bit. Then in a moment of weakness he turns back to Ginny, "I miss him too." He says and then walks quickly out of the Wendy's before Ginny can say anything.

Todd had meant to look up that quote during his free period but he's so busy preparing for exams that he really doesn't have time to. He edits his history essay and then starts in on his math review absentmindedly chewing on his pencil. He feels more than sees Ginny staring at him from across the library and when he looks up she blushes and turns back to her notebook. She's sitting with Charlie Dalton whose talking to her rather animatedly about something but she keeps looking up at Todd.

Finally, unable to concentrate on quadratic equations any longer Todd gets up and walks over to their table.

"-And then I'm like 'well you ever heard the expression good things come in small packages?' and she's like-" Charlie cuts off abruptly seeing Todd. "Can I help you."

Ginny turns in her seat and gazes down, obviously embarrassed. "Hey Todd."

"D-did you wanna talk to me?" He says, his voice skipping like an old record. He blames Charlie Dalton for this, he has a way of looking at people that Todd can't stand. Like he's waiting for you to entertain him.

"Ummmm," Ginny bites her lip, "Yeah, kind of. Uh, Charlie do you mind?"

Charlie rolls his eyes, "Of course your majesty, besides I have things to see, people to do." He winks and Todd barely refrains from rolling his eyes. "Hey, you're friends with Steven right? Tell him he should come to my party tomorrow, you to if you want. It's going to be legend- wait for it -dary!" He tips an invisible hat at Todd before swaggering out of the library.

"What the hell?" Todd says, mostly under his breath. "Did he just quote How I Met Your Mother at me?"

Ginny shrugs, "He does stuff like that. Though to be fair Charlie is kind of like Barney, he talks a big game about the ladies and underneath he's Neil Patrick Harris."

"What?"

"You know, because he's bi."

"He's _what_?" Todd actually has to sit down because things just got even weirder.

"Yeah, he's bi. Or maybe he's pansexual..."

"Charlie likes guys?"

"And girls."

"But he's so..." Todd waves vaguely, even though he's not quite sure what this is supposed to signify. He doesn't even know what adjective he's grappling for here.

"I can't believe you didn't know this." Ginny says, "Didn't he ask your friend Steven to prom?"

"Yeah, as a joke or a bet or something."

"You've got to be kidding me. Charlie has had a huge crush on him for like two years. How do you not know this?" She laughs a little and then her voice drops and goes all fake serious, "Also on the off chance Charlie asks I didn't tell you that because it's supposed to be a secret."

Todd thinks of Meeks' cup _steven meeks needs to open his eyes_. "Oh. My. God."

Ginny shrugs, "He was pretty upset actually when he said no."

"He was not."

"He was, he's just good at hiding it. Charlie Dalton is a pretty complex person when you get to know him. He's not all dumb hats and stupid jokes you know."

Todd rolls his eyes, "I'm sure Charlie is very complex and wonderful and amazing. But I didn't come over here to talk about that. What did you want to tell me?"

Ginny bites her lip, "It's more of a question actually."

Oh dear god, Todd thinks, please don't ask me to prom.

"Did Neil ever tell you...about us?" She asks voice pitched low.

"Us? As in you and Neil?"

She nods timidly, "I mean did he ever tell you how we weren't..." She trails off, obviously not wanting to tell Todd outloud if he doesn't know. But he does.

"Oh, yeah. He uh, mentioned it."

"Okay. Cause I was just wondering if you two were..." She waves her hand around vaguely again. It takes Todd a second to get what she's implying.

"N-no! No. No, no no no, no. Definitely not." Todd splutters.

"Oh," Ginny says, "Sorry, I just thought maybe...because you said you miss him. I don't know. It's stupid never mind. I'm sorry." She shakes her head. "It's just, Neil used to talk about you sometimes. Not a lot or anything. But you'd come up occasionally."

"Really?" Todd asks, a little flattered to be honest. He shouldn't be surprised really, but something about the idea of Neil talking about him when he wasn't around, even if it was just a fleeting mention or a casual comment, makes Todd's stomach flip.

Ginny nods and smiles down absentmindedly at her notebook. "Yeah, he really did." They're both quiet for a minute Ginny continuing to stare at her notebook. Todd wonders if she was, or is, in love with Neil too. That if that was the reason she had agreed to be his pretend-girlfriend. He's working up the courage to ask when the bell rings and Ginny's up out of her seat. "See you around." She says, her back already turned away from him and Todd looses all his desire to ask. It's not his business anyways.

Math is long and Todd spends it hastily editing his history essay despite multiple protests from Cameron to join in the poker game he set up instantaneously (if anyone asks they're only playing Cheat). "Come on, it's not for money or anything. Betcha got a great poker face, huh Todd?" But he doesn't feel like having his ass kicked by Cameron in cards, even for free. Todd actually has a theory going that Cameron has some sort of card counting thing going on and that one day he'll be banned from Las Vegas, Atlantic City and Monte Carlo.

Chris is busy with prom commitee so for the first time in days Todd actually has to drive Knox somewhere. Knox actually could have had his license ages a go, not to mention a much nicer car that Todd, but he had a bad experience with a deer and hasn't gotten behind the wheel since. Todd doesn't really mind to be honest, it's nice to have people need him for something, even if it's just his car.

"I got us reservations at _Oskar's_," Knox says, "My dad knows the chef so he was able to get us a table. I'll probably blow all of pay for the month on it but it'll totally be worth it. Besides, Chris was so excited when I told her she actually sort of...squealed a little."

Todd flips on his turn signal, "Is that something straight guys find attractive?"

"I think in general I just find Chris being human really attractive. I mean, not that she wasn't human before, but like, I had this whole idea that she was so...put together? Like everything she did was so carefully planned out ahead of time. It's just really nice to know that she's just this girl who has thoughts and emotions just happening spontaneously."

"You should write greeting cards." Todd says pulling up to Knox's driveway. Unlike most houses in the community Knox's has an obnoxiously long driveway leading up to it which winds it's way up a hill. In the winter it's pretty deadly and there have been a few memorable occasions where Knox has missed school because he hasn't been able to get down the driveway.

Keating's already alseep when he gets to the store and Todd notices disparagingly that another few copies of Fifty Shades of Grey have sold. He runs the words from Neil's quote through his head over and over as he cleans shelves and sweeps the floors, running them smooth. By the time he's finished all the jobs and types them into the search bar he doesn't even falter in the wording. _A day spent without the sight or sound of beauty, the contemplation of mystery, or the search of truth or perfection is a poverty-striken day; and a succession of these days is fatal to human life. _

It's a quote, Todd has already figured because it doesn't sound like a poem or song lyrics, but google confirms it giving him pages of matching searches. It's from some guy named Lewis Mumford and Todd opens his wikipedia page in another window. It's a familiar name, only vaguely, but it twinges in his brain anyways. Keating wanders into the room and Todd shuts the window he was looking at, he knows that Keating doesn't care if he uses the computer but he wants to keep Neil's message to himself, at least for now.

"Ah, Todd. I see you have returned the store to it's former glory." He reaches up, back cracking as he stretches. "You can head of early if you like, I thought I might pack it in soon myself, I'm sure you have lots of big plans for tonight."

Todd sometimes wonders if adults all magically forget being a teenager once they hit 30, because Todd knows that there have always been people like him and never once have any of them ever had 'big plans' on a Thursday night. He doesn't like to burst Keating's bubble though so he just shrugs, "Prom's tomorrow, so I thought I'd just do some homework."

"Ahhh, Prom night." Keating says nostalgically, even though Todd knows for a fact that he went to some crappy all-boys boarding school out in the middle of nowhere and probably didn't even have a prom. "Well then, by all means head out early, and I'll see you on Monday."

It's not until Todd's almost home that it hits him. He knows where he's heard Lewis Mumford's name before.


	7. vi

vi

* * *

Ginny looks completely shocked to see him when she opens the door. "Todd! Hi!" Her voice goes up and octave and she looks guilty for some reason. "Come in, hi, how are you?" She's changed out of her school clothes into sweat pants and she rubs her hands nervously on the sides of them.

"Are you okay?" Todd asks because even though Ginny's sort of quiet and shy at school he's never seen her this jittery.

"Fine!" She says brightly, "Uh, can you just excuse me for one second?" She takes off down the stairs leaving Todd standing awkwardly in the foyer. There's a sudden burst of sound from downstairs, the unmistakable bad music and moaning of porn and then Ginny's voice going "_Shit! Shit!_" before it cuts off.

She gives him a withering look as she walks back up the stairs, "No judgements. I had a fake gay boyfriend for 2 years, I'm allowed to masturbate to porn at my own house."

"Uh." Todd says.

"And this preconceived notion that girls don't like sex, or porn, or masturbating or whatever is stupid and sexist." She crosses her arms over her chest defiantly, like she's just waiting for Todd to say something.

"Uh." Todd says.

"Did you need something?"

"Oh, yeah right." Todd clear his throat, "Well there's this sort of thing."

Ginny raises an eyebrow. "A thing? Could you maybe be a bit more specific?

"Sorry. See I was in my old bedroom which has a window which faces Neil's room and there was something written on the shade and I looked it up and it's a quote from this Lewis Mumford guy, the one you did your project on and I thought maybe that Neil did it on purpose as a sort of like clue and I thought maybe you'd know more about it." Todd gasps out all in one breath, and maybe he should have figured out what he was going to say ahead of time.

"Wait, what?"

Todd sighs, yeah, he definitely should have figured this out before hand. "When Neil and I were kids he was really into scavenger hunts and he used to leave me these clues to follow and there's a quote by Lewis Mumford on his shade where only I would have seen it. I think Neil's leaving me a message or a path to find him or...I don't know, _something_. I just though maybe you'd know more about the quote?" He holds out a piece of paper he's written on.

"That son of a bitch," Ginny mutters, but fondly, "He left you a treasure map?"

"Sort of. Maybe. I mean it might mean nothing but-"

"Neil doesn't do things by accident, he plans, he _schemes._" She unfolds the paper and reads the quote, frowning slightly, "I don't recognize this but maybe it's in the book."

"The book?"

"Neil lent me one of his books, _Technics and Civilizations_, it's what we based our project around. I didn't really get it to be honest, like I got it, but I didn't _get_ it. Neil was really into his stuff though. Come on, I'll get it for you." He follows her up the stairs and into her bedroom, which is well, not what Todd imagined a girls bedroom would look like at all. Though, in all fairness his idea of girl's bedroom's had mostly come from teen movies and episodes of Glee (because Knox made him watch it with him).

First of all it's...messy, but not dirty. There are are piles of things all over the floor which Ginny navigates around easily, "Sorry about the mess," She says shoving a pile of papers over with her foot, "Normally I only have people in the basement."

She's got an entire wall completely covered with drawings and pictures. Todd sees more than a dozen of her with Neil, laughing together during rehearsals or at school dances in front of poorly constructed lattice archways. The thing is, even though Todd knows now that their relationship wasn't exactly what he though there's no denying how much Neil obviously adored her. _Adores_ he thinks, because Neil isn't gone, not really, not if he's leaving Todd a trail to find him.

"Here." Ginny says handing him a paperback book filled with neon flags. "There's a bunch of notes he's made in it, I didn't pick up on anything but..." She shrugs, "I mean he didn't leave the message for me obviously." She sounds hurt and Todd doesn't blame her, he knows what it's like to be second on the list of the person you put first.

"Thanks." He tucks the book under his arm protectively and Ginny shifts awkwardly, one foot balanced on top of the other.

"You could stay and hang out for a while, I mean if you want to." She says and Todd says yes surprising himself. His parents are out at some dinner party anyways.

Ginny makes popcorn on the stove and then douses it in dust which Todd thinks is supposed to vaguely taste like dill pickles underneath all the chemicals. "Do you wanna watch a movie or something?" Ginny asks licking green chemical dust off of her fingers, "Seeing as you interrupted my private viewing experience."

"I'm not watching some porno with you."

"Hey, I was watching the porn version of Les Mis, that's practically art." She throws a kernel at him, "Besides I'm pretty sure porn-watching is at a much later stage in our relationship anyways. Right after helping each other wax the downtown."

Todd chokes on a mouthful of popcorn and Ginny pounds him on the back as his coughs and his eyes run. They watch the first two episodes of Sherlock, even though they've both already seen them because they can't agree on anything else. Todd only half pays attention anyways, his eyes keep darting towards the book sitting between them on the couch, filling the void neither of them will talk about.

"I should go." Todd says as the credits end and Netflix's homepage reappears.

"Yeah." Ginny echoes. "Sure, okay."

"You going to school tomorrow?"

Ginny shrugs, her pale shoulders sharp, "I guess, most of the Juniors'll be there anyways. Besides it's not like I'm actually going to prom."

"Yeah. Okay well I'll see you tomorrow." Todd says. He shows himself out.

He purposely drives the longway home so he can drive by Neil's house. There are no cars in the driveway and Todd wonders if the Perry's went to the dinner party his parents are at. If they're pretending everything is fine, skirting around the edge of the hole that has been punched in their lives.

Jeffery's standing at the stove when Todd walks into the kitchen whistling to himself. "Hey sport." Jeffery says which is what their dad used to call him when they were kids. Todd didn't really like it then but it sounds nicer somehow coming from Jeff. "You want a grilled cheese?"

"Sure." Todd says setting his bag on the table. It's almost 8:00pm but it feels so much earlier with the evening sun streaming through the windows. "I actually haven't had grilled cheese in a long time."

"Me neither, not since like first year when I didn't know how to cook. Besides Miriam's lactose-intolerant and you cannot make a decent grilled cheese with soy cheese, believe me I have tried."

Though Todd has never even met Miriam she features prominently in the lore of Jeff's life as an Ivy League hot shot. Todd's mother antagonizes over it and brings her up at least once per conversation, though Jeffery has yet to really define the nature of their relationship. For all Todd knows they met when they tried to pick up the same girl at a bar and to be honest he's okay with that. He's spent so much of his life hearing about all the minute details of Jeffery's that he doesn't mind a little mystery.

"So," Jeffery says shoving a sandwich half into his mouth, "You seeing anyone? Any cute girls...or guys?"

"No." Todd says.

"Really, because you know you're my bro no matter what."

"Yeah, cause that's how genetics works."

Jeffery sighs, "I'm just trying to be supportive."

"I appreciate it, but honestly you sound like a bad afterschool special on acceptance. Besides, there really isn't anyone. Is there really no ketchup?" Todd says looking into the fridge.

"No, and don't change the subject. We're having a heartwarming bro to bro talk."

"I'd rather have ketchup to be honest." Todd says. His grilled cheese is slightly burnt and Jeffery's cut it in half rather than on the diagonal. "And no I'm not going to talk to mom and dad about it okay."

"Yeah, okay." Jeffery says, relenting and they eat in silence for a while. "Did you wanna watch a movie? I think James Bond is on."

"Nah, I have stuff I need to do."

"Isn't it prom tomorrow? It's not like anyone goes to school." Jeffery calls after him. Todd ignores him, setting his dishes in the sink with a clatter.

Todd tries to read. He really and truly does for almost an hour before shoving the book on his nightstand and booting up his laptop. It's not that the book is that hard to read, sure it's conceptual and Mumford obviously favours poetic metaphor, but it's deeper than that. Todd can feel himself straining to find Neil hidden behind every word. Tucked in between the typeset and the margins. But the harder he tries to find any whisper of him the less likely it seems that there's a message. Maybe it's like trying to remember the name of a song or a half-forgotten dream, so Todd puts the book down, hoping that the less he tries the more clear the answers will become.

Facebook is, predictably, all prom stuff and though he isn't sad that he's not going he is a little bit sad that he feels so separated from the people he's spent the last four years attending classes with. Many of whom he tolerates and a handful of whom he does genuinely like. Todd isn't naive, he doesn't think he'll go off to college and instantly have a million friends and everyone will suddenly care about the things he cares about. He's just never been the kind of guy to have a lot of friends and that's okay with him. Todd knows he's kind of hard to get along with anyways.

_Ginny Danbury_

_Not going to prom, doesn't feel right without Neil. _

_Chris Noel: :( we'll miss you bb _

_Charlie Dalton: u coming to after prom?_

_Ginny Danbury: I dont think so_

_Charlie Dalton: boo you whore_

So much for the 'stop thinking about it and the answer will appear' approach. Todd sighs through his nose and shuts his laptop. He should really studying seeing as his exams start on Monday but he can't bring himself to care. Instead he reads Lewis Mumford until his eyes blur and he falls asleep on top of his covers, still searching for Neil between every word. He dreams in typeset.

Todd goes to school the next morning, even though his classes are deserted and his teachers look annoyed that he's bothered to show up at all. He's halfway done _Technics and Civilizations,_ which is both interesting and unbearably dry, when Ginny finds him in the library.

"How's it going?" Ginny says flopping down in a chair beside him, "You figured anything out yet?"

"No." Todd says not looking up from the page, even if he isn't fooling anyone into thinking he's still reading.

"It's pretty..." She waves her hand, "high concept, huh?"

"It's very Neil. The whole idea that our society produces things that are imperfect to serve the majority imperfectly. Sounds kind of like high school actually."

Ginny rolls her eyes, "You're doing it wrong."

"Huh?"

"You're trying to read it for him, reading it to find him. But Neil was reading it for you, to show you so stop trying to hard."

"Yeah but maybe what Neil thinks I would see isn't what I really will see so I have to figure out what he'd think I'd see."

"Remember that over-thinking thing I mentioned?" Ginny says wryly.

"I just need to figure it out. I need to find him." Todd says, a little darker and harsher than he'd intended to. "He_ picked_ me." He finally says, softer and he hates the way Ginny looks at him, like he's afraid for him, like she pities him. Todd hates it so much he just leaves, just picks up and goes home because he can't think with Ginny looking at him like that.

He slams the door behind him and Jeffery appears in the doorway of the laundry room, a basket of freshly folded clothing in his arms. "Hey why aren't you at school?"

"Why do you care?" Todd snapped throwing his school bag by the bannister and running up two flights of stairs as quickly as he could. He flopped down on his bed chest heaving slightly, both from physical and emotional exertion. Todd rolls over to grab _Technics and Civilizations_ only to remember it's currently nestled in his bag at the bottom of the stairs. "Oh fuck it." Todd says to himself and decides this is a sign from the universe and let's himself fall asleep.

When he wakes up his mouth is gross and he feels all disoriented half falling out of bed because his limbs are no longer coordinated. Todd rubs his face and glances over at the clock, 4:34pm, he's slept for almost 4 hours. Jeffery's in the kitchen when he wanders in, yawning and rummaging through the cupboards. "You okay?" Jeff asks, sounding nervous.

"Yeah. Uh, sorry about earlier, exams." Todd offers as a feeble excuse pulling a carton of orange juice out of the fridge.

"I totally understand." Jeffery says, which isn't true and they both know it, but it's nice that he's pretending. "If you ever need anything I'm here for you."

"M'hmmm," Todd says around the rim of his glass. "Did the school call yet?"

"Yeah, I pretended to be dad and said you had a dermatologist appointment."

"And they believed you?"

Jeffery rolled his eyes, "Duh, no one would lie about having a dermatologist appointment because it sounds so stupid."

"Oh. Thanks."

"No problem. Oh yeah, and some girl called for you? Ginger?"

"Ginny. Okay, I'll call her back I guess." Todd says, grabbing his backpack this time on his way back upstairs. He doesn't know Ginny's number so he boots up his computer and logs into Facebook. There's a picture on his newsfeed of Knox having his nails done by Chris, smiling like an idiot. Todd vaguely remembers Knox mentioning something about manicures though at the time he had assumed it would have been Chris getting her nails done. Most of his newsfeed is about people getting ready for prom actually. He scrolls back up to the search bar and absentmindedly he types in Neil's name instead of Ginny's and doesn't realize until Neil's profile pops up on the screen.

Todd's about to scroll back up to type in Ginny's name when he notices something along the side of his profile. "No way." He mutters to himself reaching for _Technics and Civilizations_. It's there, a picture in the index two words circled under a photo of Lewis Mumford holding a small child.

He clicks over to Ginny's profile and plugs her number into his phone. "Ginny?" Todd says, "It's me. What can you tell me about Mumford & Sons?"


	8. vii

vii

* * *

They meet in a coffee shop down the street from the bookstore where the barista gives him a weird look when he just orders tea. Ginny couldn't get out of the house until almost 8:00 so Todd waits in a corner booth, drinking his tea and googling the crap out of Mumford and Sons. He still doesn't know a lot about them other than there's a GIF of a cartoon character dramatically playing a lute everyone associates them with. The hard thing is without Ginny, Todd really doesn't know what he's supposed to be looking for. Is it something to do with the members? Is it something in a lyric? Or maybe it's more straightforward than that...again.

Ginny shows up at 8:24 looking flustered. "Sorry," She says sliding into the booth beside Todd, "My mom was all on my case, she's like 'I thought you weren't going to prom?' and I'm like 'I'm not I'm going out to meet Todd' and she's like 'who's Todd?' and I'm like 'Just some guy' and then she gave me a box of condoms and told me to 'be safe'." Ginny sighs, "She tries to be cool and progressive but sometimes I wish she would just like go to bridge club and ignore me like they did in the old days."

"Trust me, that's not fun." Todd says taking a sip of his tea, long gone cold.

"You know in a movie this would be the part where we get zapped by lightning and change bodies. Then we'd both have a deeper empathy for each other and their be a crappy soundtrack and everything."

"Uh, right." Todd says, "Now speaking of soundtracks, Mumford and Sons?"

Ginny nods, "Oh yeah, sorry. I'm going to assume since this is Neil it's going to be a physical thing it'll be either the CD's themselves or maybe his i-Pod. Which means we're going to have to get into his room."

"What?"

"Look it's not a big deal, I've done it a million times before," Ginny fiddles with something out of her coat pocket, "I actually have a key so we're not technically breaking in."

"That's still entering."

"I don't think the Perry's will call the cops on us." She frowns, "Actually yeah they might do that. _So_ that just means we have to be extra careful not to get caught."

"I dunno..." Todd fiddles with his empty cup, breaking into the school with Neil was one thing but breaking into Neil's house was a whole new neighbourhood of danger. Especially since they'd have to be careful not only to steer clear of Neil's parents but his own as well.

"Look, I know this is kind of sketchy and maybe more than a little insane. But Neil left you these clues on purpose and he made it so I'd get involved too and we can't just ignore that. I don't know what this is all leading to but we have to follow it through to the end."

Todd sighs, "Okay, okay, fine. But only because I want to find Neil."

Ginny pulls a napkin out of the dispenser. "Okay so here's the plan. I'll sneak in the backdoor with my key and get the CD's and his i-Pod- if he left it behind which I doubt but who knows -and you can keep a watch from your house." She says drawing a sketch on the napkin.

"Was a diagram really necessary? That's a pretty straightforward plan." Todd says.

"Maybe I'm making a scrapbook."

"That seems a bit unlikely seeing as having a detailed account of the crime you're going to commit is a pretty sure fire way to get arrested."

Ginny pouts, "Now you're going to tell me I have to throw out my murder photo albums!" The barista darts a glance over at them and looks away quickly.

"Great, now the barista thinks we're serial killers."

"He does not. He probably just thinks we're writing a screenplay. Isn't that what people in coffee shops do?"

"Yeah but usually those people have laptops." Todd deadpans. Ginny just grins and Todd decides he needs to stop spending so much time with people who seem to get a real thrill out of breaking and entering. Honestly he'd call a stop to the whole thing if it weren't for the memory of Neil on the roof that morning. How sad he'd sounded. How lost. Todd hadn't done anything then and now he has a way to set things straight. Or at least that's what he's hoping.

Ginny insists on ordering a mocha latte before they leave and the barista gives her the stinkeye. "He definitely thinks you're a serial killer." Todd says buckling his seatbelt and turning the keys in the ignition.

"That's fairly statistically unlikely given my age, sex and socio-economic status." Ginny says taking off the lid of her drink and blowing on it, "I'd be one hell of an outlier."

"Don't spill!" Todd says eyeing her open drinking warily.

"Because we definitely wouldn't want to ruin this quality upholstery. It's like the 1990's threw up."

Todd opens his mouth to defend his van's interior, but it's accurate enough that he doesn't have much of a comeback. He does arguably have the worst car of anyone at their high school. But it's not like he really has much of a desire to be driving around a BMW with an all-white leather interior like Richard Cameron got last year for his birthday. (As previously mentioned it was not Cameron himself who gave off the air of douchebaggery but rather the unfortunate set of facial expressions he was limited to by his bone structure and his car, which has been named by Charlie Dalton, the Douche-Mobile).

"Gimme your phone." Ginny says as they idle at a red-light. Todd hands it over and watches out of the corner of his eye as she plugs something into it. "It's my number, that way you can call me if you see any suspicious activity."

"Suspicious activity? You mean like a girl breaking into the Perry's house."

She slaps him on the arm, "For the last time it's only entering. Besides I can always play the hysterical girlfriend card if I get caught."

"Ex-girlfriend" Todd murmurs and he doesn't know if Ginny doesn't hear him or just chooses not to respond but she's silent beside him as they drive.

"I think the best way to do this will be if you let me through your backyard and I go in through the backdoor. Mr. Perry's always in his office and that's got soundproofing. Mrs. Perry usually goes to bed pretty early so everything should be quiet. All I have to do is sneak up the backstairs and into Neil's room. You can watch from your house and make sure everything stays quiet."

Todd turns onto his street and glances at the Perry's house, Ginny is right everything looks pretty quiet. The light on in Mr. Perry's office and not much else. "I love this street." Ginny says, "It's the only one that really feels real in the whole subdivision."

"That's only because it's old." Todd says, "I'm sure when they were built everyone though it looked weird and fake. Time gives everything a false feeling of importance."

Ginny shrugs, her face pressed up against the window. "Maybe." She glances at the clock on the dashboard. "I was supposed to be at prom right now." She says, voice neutral.

"Yeah. I guess." Todd says not knowing how to respond.

"I wish I was there. Well, I mean no I don't actually. I wish I was there with Neil and everything was normal. Even though it obviously wasn't _really _normal if he packs up and runs away like that. I just wish-" She cuts herself off and shakes her head.

"You have no idea where he went?"

"Not really. I guess there's the whole New York thing, right? Like that's the whole dream you go to New York and everything's amazing and different. But I can't really see Neil in New York, I can't imagine him being in a place and just being a little blip, because he's Neil Perry and Neil Perry is not a blip."

"He wouldn't be a blip. Not even in New York. Not ever." Todd says clutching the steering wheel, and even though he means it, it feels like a lie.

They wait in the car, parked in the garage for almost two hours because Todd's paranoid about it not being dark enough. He half-reads Moby Dick which he had stashed in the backseat for some reason while watching Ginny play Angry Birds on her phone. It's almost 11:30 when she hops out of the car. "I think this will be dark enough." She says looking down at her brown t-shirt and dark-wash jeans. Todd can't help but think of Neil in his full-on ninja get up, could that really have only been three nights ago?

Already the picture of him is fading, getting hazy around the edges his imagination filling in the gaps. Todd doesn't want that to happen, doesn't want to loose what really happened between him a Neil and have a memory take it's place, made up of half truths and white lies.

Ginny opens the backdoor of the garage, "Call me if you see anything okay? I'll wait a few minutes so you can get into position." And then she's gone slipping out into the night.

Todd tries to be as quiet as he can climbing up the stairs so he can get to his old bedroom. The last thing he needs right now is his mother bothering him to fold laundry or his dad mad at him about some miniscule thing he did wrong. He winces when the door creaks, shutting it halfway behind him. The binoculars he had brought down the other night are still sitting on top of the bookshelf so he grabs them, searching for the outline of Ginny in the yard. He flicks the lamp on and then off again, like this is some made-for-tv spy movie. The room is dark and Todd fixes the binoculars on Neil's house.

Briefly he sees Ginny run across the yard getting caught in the light coming from a window and then she's gone again, hidden in the shadow cast by Neil's house. Todd places his phone on the window sill, easy access in case he needs to call Ginny. It flashes across his mind again how totally insane, not to mention illegal, this plan is, and for the first time he can feel himself getting angry at Neil.

Neil has always been selfish, always. Every since they were children Neil's problems, or the problems Neil cared about were always the most important ones. And now he's gone and Todd's scrambling after broken pieces searching for Neil, letting Neil's problems take over his life _again. _For a moment he considers calling Ginny and telling her to forget it. Neil can come home if he wants to, he is an adult after all, at least in the eyes of the law. Why are they wasting their time and energy dragging him back when he obviously wanted to leave?

But Todd doesn't do that. Because he loves Neil, which is pathetic or noble depending on how you look at it, and loving someone means loving the jagged edges too. Even if you might get cut on them in the process.

He catches a glimpse of Ginny as she moves around Neil's room. The lights are off so he can only see her shadow-y outline whenever she passes in front of the window. He holds up the binoculars, practically pressed up against the glass. The light in Mr. Perry's office is still on and it's the only one in the house from what Todd can tell.

Only then suddenly it's not and there's a light on in the hallway. Todd reaches for his phone, knocks it off the window sill and grapples for it on the floor cursing under his breath. He scrolls through his contacts in a panic and he has never been more grateful to not have that many people in his phone. His hands are shaking just a little and it rings twice before she picks up.

"Yeah?" Ginny whispers, "Todd?"

"Mr. Perry isn't in his office anymore."

"Shit. Shit! Okay I'm going to climb out through the window."

"What? No! Why? Just wait a minute."

"Look, I dunno where Mr. Perry is going to go and I'd rather not get trapped in Neil's room. Look it's easy, I'll just climb onto the roof-"

"I know how you can do it but it's a bad idea!" Todd hisses into the phone.

"I'll be over in a minute."

"Ginny-no!" But the line goes dead. Todd climbs to his feet and wretches the window open. Ten feet away Ginny is doing the same before pulling herself out, pushing the window mostly shut again with her feet and hauling herself onto the roof. Todd looses sight of her as she heads around to the back of the house so she can use the tree to get onto Todd's roof. The amount of dangerous climbing in his life has increased tenfold in the last week and it's not a pattern Todd likes very much.

There's a loud thump as Ginny hits the roof and her feet come kicking into the window. Unlike Neil she comes in backwards Todd grabbing onto her hips to help pull her through the window.

"Watch it." She warns.

"You know I'm gay right?" Todd says ignoring her and getting an arm around her waist to pull her in.

"Well this is awkward." Jeffery says from behind them and Todd whips around letting go of Ginny who falls backwards onto her ass on the carpet.

"This isn't what it looks like!" Todd says, panicked.

"Uh, and what exactly would that be? The thing that this looks like but isn't because I don't even know what I'm supposed to think this is." Jeffery says, sounding genuinely concerned.

"Omigod," Ginny says from the floor, "You're _Jeffery Anderson_."

"Um, yes?"

Ginny scrambles to her feet, "Oh wow. Hi! Uh, I don't think you remember me, I'm Ginny. Chet's sister?"

"Oh, yeah. Sure. How's it going Ginny?"

"Good. Great!" She rubs her hands together nervously, "You go to Yale right?"

"Yeah. Poli-sci." Jeffery says but he's looking at Todd, his eyebrows raised in an obvious 'what-the-fuck-is-going-on?' kind of look.

"Oh wow. Great." Ginny says smoothing her hair down over and over. Tucking it behind her ears and untucking it nervously.

"Ginny." Todd says, not able to stand the awkwardness for a second longer. "How about I drive you home?"

"Yes. Great. Amazing. Best idea ever Todd-o." Ginny babbles letting herself be led by Todd into the hallway and down the stairs.

Jeffery stands at the top looking down at them, the confused expression still plastered onto his face.

"What the hell was that?" Todd asks once they're safely in the mini-van.

Ginny flushes and ducks her head, "I'm _sorry_ it's just I mean. God, _Jeffery Anderson_. I remember he gave us a tour of the high school when I was in eight grade and every girl just had a ridiculous crush on him. I mean Todd, you do know your brother is sort of a legend right?"

He gives her a sideways glance. "No, I've never once heard about the amazing exploits of _Jeffery Anderson_."

"I didn't say it like that." Ginny complains.

"You did! It's like you were meeting the President or something."

"He could be one day!"

"One can only hope." Todd deadpans. "Hello. Priorities. Did you find the stuff in Neil's room?"

Ginny bites her lip. "Well not, exactly. Actually, you should just pull over because there's no point going back to my house."

"Why not?" Todd asks, but he's already pulling over. "Please tell me they were there." Ginny doesn't say anything. "_Ginny please tell me they were there_!"

"Look okay, before you freak out, and you're already kind of freaking out. But before you freak out more I just want to say that I don't have the cds but I know where they are."

"You don't-" Todd starts darkly. "We need the- how are we supposed to find Neil and- You had one job!"

Ginny looks at him evenly. "Todd, seriously, bring it down like three notches; this is insane."

"We need the cds! We need the cds to find Neil! I have to find Neil because he wants me to find him and he could be in danger or need help!"

"I know! But the cds aren't in Neil's room." Ginny says, well half-shouts really.

"Then where are they!" Todd snaps.

Ginny raises one eyebrow and jerks her head towards the house they've stopped across from.

"Oh god no." Todd says.


	9. viii

viii

* * *

Todd can think of only two things in the world he wants to do less than attend Charlie Dalton's after-prom party. One involves torture and the other public speaking and nudity. To say that he begs Ginny to let him stay in the car while she retrieves the cds Neil lent to Charlie really isn't an over-exaggeration in the least.

"Please?" Todd says, "I don't even know why you need me to be here anyways. It's not like me and Charlie are even friends. And do you even know he has the cds, maybe they're somewhere else."

"Yes I'm sure, Neil gave them to him last week at lunch. Said he didn't need them anymore, which was weird but I didn't really think anything of it at the time." Ginny says as they walk up the Dalton's ridiculously long driveway which leads up to their equally ridiculously large house. To say that the Dalton's are loaded is almost ridiculous in it's understatement. Not that you'd be able to tell from the way Charlie Dalton dresses, a style which Todd had literally heard him call 'hobo chic'.

The music's pounding from the house and Todd could hear the unmistakable cheers of a large group of half-drunk teenagers. He crosses his arms more snuggly over his chest, knowing he looks like he's sulking (which to be fair he is) and not caring very much. "I still don't see why I had to come." He mutters but Ginny ignores him.

They don't bother ringing the doorbell, since the door is open and no one would hear it anyways over the pounding music. "Okay, now we just have to find Charlie and get out of here as quickly as possible." Todd shouts over the music.

"I'm going to go find Chris!" Ginny shouts back.

"Wait, what-no! That's not the plan!" Todd shouts but Ginny has already disappeared into the crush of bodies.

He wanders into the kitchen, mostly just to get where it isn't so loud and bumps into Gerard who is making out with one of the tiniest girls Todd has ever seen. "Hey man!" Gerard says pulling away, fuchsia lipstick smeared all over his face. "What are you doing here!? We missed you at Prom, man!"

"Uh, I'm looking for Charlie?" Todd says, and it comes out as a question because he has never had anyone seem so genuinely excited to see him ever and it's a bit surprising.

Gerard frowns and looks down at the tiny girl, who is sitting on the marble island in an attempt to help her reach Gerard's face. "Have you seen Charlie?"

"I think he's in the basement." She says but doesn't elaborate any further because then they're making out again and Todd decides that as much as he isn't fond of Charlie almost anything would be better than watching this.

Todd checks his watch, it's only a little after midnight so most of the people he runs into are only moderately tipsy or making out sloppily. Or both. And while he's not a huge fan of the euphemism 'sucking face' it seems applicable in some cases. He wonders what Neil would be like, if he was here. Probably holed up somewhere with Ginny and his drama club friends drinking something more sophisticated than jello shooters and warm beer. But Neil isn't here, which is exactly why Todd has to find Charlie.

The party is mostly centred around the kitchen and the living room with couples split off into hallways with dozens of locked doors. There's also a large gathering of people hanging out around the swimming pool in the backyard, boys with their pants legs rolled up to stick their legs in the water and girls with their long dresses hiked up around their knees.

Todd's given up on looking for the basement at this point after rattling a few dozen door handles and finding them all locked. Now he's just trying to find Ginny again, which is starting to look like a much more difficult task than it originally seemed. Especially since the longer he stays the more drunk everyone around him gets. He's 90% sure he saw Cameron throwing up in the bushes earlier.

He catches sight of Knox sitting on the edge of the pool with Chris, whose head is pillowed on his shoulder. Ginny, of course, is no where to be seen. Todd debates for a second whether he should go over to them because there is a chance Chris has been with Ginny recently and might know where the hell she actually is. But on the other hand that would involve having to both deal with their inevitable excitement at him showing up at after-prom and having to break into their little couple-bubble.

Todd's slowly working up the courage to walk over to them when Ginny suddenly appears beside him with a red plastic cup filled with coke and probably at least one or two other things much less pg-13. "Hey." She says, "You want some?"

Todd takes the cup and sips. It tastes like lighter fluid. "That's disgusting." He says shoving it back into Ginny's hands. "I thought you were going to talk to Chris?"

"It's fine I can see her whenever, her and Knox are having their _dream prom_, it's like a fucking made for tv movie."

"Has anyone ever told you, you're kind of an angry drunk?"

Ginny shrugs, her shoulders sharp and bird-like. "Neil probably did at some point. Though he doesn't get to talk, at Melanie Scott's Halloween party he did 6 jell-o shooters and punched a wall."

Todd vaguely remembers that, it had been the gossip of the week a few years ago. Not so much because someone got drunk and punched a wall, which to be honest happened all the fucking time, but because it was _Neil_. He had actually fixed the wall himself if Todd's remembering correctly.

"Todd?" Ginny says, in such a way that Todd realizes she must have said it several times already. "Come on let's go find Charlie." Ginny grabs him by the wrist and it's surprisingly strong for someone who weighs about 120 pounds soaking wet.

"You sure you don't want to talk to Chris?" Todd asks, letting himself be pulled back through the french doors.

"I can talk to her later, there's going to be a whole recap. Possibly with a slideshow if she has enough time to put on together."

Letting Ginny guide him, Todd is pulled back through the labyrinthine hallways. Despite being at least a little intoxicated she's doing a much better job of it than Todd was. "Here." She says stopping in front of a closed door and digging around in her purse for a moment before pulling out a keychain with one key dangling from it. It clicks in the lock and Ginny grins pushing it open with her hip.

"Why do people keep giving you their keys? All you seem to do is abuse the privilege."

"Who said anything about Charlie _giving_ me the key." She grins before disappearing down the stairs. Todd follows, his eyes taking a second to adjust to the darkness and he walks down the stupidly short flight of stairs. Like it's literally four steps.

He can still hear the music and the occasional shouts from the party but it's dampened a lot, like being underwater. Todd's eyes adjust and he sees that he's not in a basement as normal people think of a basement, or even like Ginny's basement. Really he's in an apartment, with a real kitchen not just a kitchenette, a living room and a few hallways branching off.

Todd whistles between his teeth. "Nice, huh?" Ginny says running her fingers over the back of the couch. "Though I do feel sort of bad for him."

"You feel bad for him because he lives in a kickass basement apartment?"

"I feel bad for him because his parents built him a basement apartment so they wouldn't have to spend as much time with him."

Todd rolls his eyes. He's heard this one a million times, not just about Charlie but about every third kid in his school. Everyone's got a rich-kid sob story. Even Todd if he thinks about it too much, which is something he avoids doing on principle. He also ignores the nagging in the back of his mind which reminds him that _his_ parents wanted him to move into the attic and installed a PA system so they wouldn't have to talk to him so much. But so what. Todd doesn't care that much, really the less time he has to spend with his parents the better, you don't see him crying over it.

Ginny calls out, "Charlie!?" Not shouting, but loudly. Then pauses. "Huh. He's definitely down here, his jacket is by the door." She turns in a circle. "I'm going to check the bedroom." She heads off down one of the two hallways.

"What am I supposed to do?" Todd whines, he would like to say that he didn't but he knows that he did.

"You could help look, knowing Charlie it's just as likely he's in the bathroom fixing his hair or something."

Todd rolls his eyes and turns to walk down the other hallway. There are movie posters tacked up on the wall and he recognizes some of them from the classic movie nights Meeks has dragged him to on multiple occasions. He's never really been into it, movie aren't really his thing anyways. He'd rather read a book or watch television to be honest.

He knows he's kind of a dick about Charlie Dalton and that if he were a better person he'd man up and get over it because Neil had seen something in Charlie worth being friends with. It's entirely possible that maybe Todd would even like him if he gave Charlie any sort of chance because he did that with Ginny and Chris and he likes them. A lot actually. He sort of can't imagine not being friends with them now.

Todd is doing this, imagining, very generously that maybe, just maybe he should give Charlie a chance when he opens the first doorway in the hall. Maybe Todd's brain short-circuits a little as he opens the door and takes in the scene because he stands in the doorway for what feels like much to long, mouth ajar and hands clenched, one into a fist and one around the doorknob. Though in Todd's defence it's not everyday that he walks in on Steven Meeks and Charlie Dalton making out in an empty bathtub.

"The fuck!?" He hears himself say and Meeks pulls away from Charlie like he's been burned. Charlie's not so quick though and his hands are still clutching the lapels of Meeks' jacket as he stares at Todd dumbly.

"Oh. Hi." He says, at least having the decency to look embarrassed. "Can I, uh, help you?"

But Todd isn't looking at Charlie, he's glaring holes into Meeks head because last time he checked Meeks hated Charlie Dalton and normal people don't go around attempting to lick the tonsils of people they hate. Meeks however is doing a very good job of looking anywhere in the room but at Todd or Charlie and they're all frozen like that when Ginny stumbles upon them.

"Hey I found the-" She pauses. She looks at Charlie and Meeks in the bathtub, she looks at Todd, she looks back at Charlie and Meeks in the bathtub and then takes a step back putting her mostly in the hallway. "Uh, should I come back later?"

"Forget it. You got the cds, let's go." Todd says releasing his grip on the doorknob and shoving past Ginny back up the fucking ridiculous short flight of stairs. He makes his way out of the house mostly on anger and instinct and it's not until he's out in the front yard that he let's himself exhale properly.

"God fucking dammit!" Todd snaps, scaring someone passed out behind a shrub, realizing that Ginny is not, as he had expected, behind him. He can feel his breathing getting sharp again as he let's his anger build back up. He hasn't been this angry in a long time, years maybe. Not since Jeffery left for college for sure. And it's all Charlie Fucking Dalton's fault because he's a manipulative asshole who thinks that he can just take whatever he wants and doesn't care if he leaves other people in his wake.

"Todd!" Someone calls throwing the front door open and he's surprised because it's Meeks. "Hey are you okay? Sorry I know that was uh, awkward." He rubs the back of his neck.

"Awkward? No not at all." Todd says, all contained anger. "It was just a surprise really, seeing the one person who I thought had enough braincells to see through Charlie's fucking poor-little-rich boy act sticking his tongue down his throat."

Meeks blinks, looking genuinely shocked and hurt. "Todd it's not like-"

"Not like what? Oh, sorry did I misunderstand or were you not just practically dry humping in a bathtub? What did you meet in the centre of the dance floor and have a moment? Because I really don't fucking get it Meeks. So please, tell me what it's like." Somewhere in Todd's mind there's a screaming and a flashing red light telling him to just fucking _stop_ but his thoughts are like a train surging down a hill and he's not sure he can.

"Why are you so _angry_? It's not like you even care ever since you started this little connect the dots clue game, I am allowed to have a life too you know!" Meeks snaps throwing his hands up.

"Sure. Fine. Whatever. Do whatever the hell you want but don't expect me to be here when Charlie's done playing his game with you. I know you're lonely but this is just _pathetic_."

And there it is. There's the line. Because Meeks' face goes so open, so shocked and so hurt for a split second before closing off completely, a vault slamming shut. He opens his mouth like he's going to say something before snapping it shut and turning on his heel, dress shoes snapping smartly on the pavement.

It takes Todd a second to notice Ginny standing off the side staring at him, arms clutched over her chest protectively. "Todd. I think you should leave." She says, so quietly he almost doesn't hear her over the pounding _thump thump_ of music pouring out from the house.

"But what about the-"

Ginny holds out the cds for him to take and he grabs them, studying the way the lights from the house illuminate the right side of her face, the rest left in shadow. Todd almost apologizes, which is ridiculous because he hasn't done anything wrong, not really anyways. He shouldn't have lost his temper and yelled at Meeks but everything he said is true and justified. It is. "I think you should just go Todd."

"Don't you need a ride home?"

"I'll just call my mom and stay over. It's fine really."

"Are you sure."

"Todd, just go." Ginny says, irritation creeping into her voice. "I really hope you find what you're looking for. And I hope it's worth it." She turns and walks back into the house her shadow drifting behind her.

He doesn't even remember walking back to the car but he finds himself in the driver's seat. Todd sighs his head falling forward onto the rim of the steering wheel. Todd wants to cry, honestly cry, which he hasn't done since Jeffery's dog died when he was 11. Not because he buys into that whole 'men don't cry' crap but because keeping himself an arms distance from his feelings is easier. Because it stops him from having to feel like this. He wonders if that's how Neil felt, constantly feeling too much, caring too much, just _being _too much. And for the first time Todd can't really fault him for leaving.

It takes him a while to get his breathing slowed and his heart rate down enough that it doesn't feel like it's going to beat out of it's chest. It takes Todd a good while longer to feel like he'll be able to drive the anger having buzzed him more than a few gulps of whatever was in Ginny's cup. He thinks about sending Ginny a text, her number in his phone from when she had entered it, hours ago now. He's not sure what he wants to tell her, maybe that he's sorry, maybe to watch out for Meeks and make sure Charlie doesn't pull anything, to make sure Knox doesn't do anything too stupid. Todd stares at the glowing screen of his phone, finally sighing and putting it back in his pocket, a thousand possible messages that never make it into reality.

Once he gets off Charlie's street, which has a smattering of teenagers in formal wear hanging around under the streetlights, it's entirely vacant and Todd's more than surprised when he turns into his driveway and the porch light is still on. "Shit," He mutters under his breath, "Shit, shit, shit, buggery shit." His parents have never really cared much about curfew but of course this would be the one night they'd suddenly start caring about his whereabouts in the middle of the night.

It's not his dad standing on the porch though when he rolls up and stops the mini-van, it's Jeffery in a faded Yale t-shirt and plaid pyjama bottoms. Todd puts the van in park not caring that his dad will yell at him for leaving it in the driveway.

"Jeff?" He turns blinking blearily. "What are you doing?"

"Oh, uh." Jeffery shrugs and gestures at the ashtray and the lighter sitting on the window sill. "I was going to..."

"I thought you quit." Todd says.

"Yeah, me too. It's just something about being home. I guess you know. I had a fight with dad because I'm going back to Connecticut for an internship at the state house in a few weeks. It's just...I dunno, I work so hard all the time to make them happy. I mean, don't get me wrong I love politics, I would have gone into it even if they hadn't wanted it but..." He trails off and sighs. "You really got the worse end of the stick I don't even know what I'm complaining about really. God. Merriam'll be pissed, I really though I had finally quit." Jeff puts his head in his hands and Todd reaches out to touch him on the shoulder hesitantly.

"It's not your fault you know." Todd says.

"What isn't?" Jeffery asks, face still in his palms.

"The way mom and dad are." It's a sort of unspoken thing between them, how much their parents seem to adore Jeffery and ignore him. They both know it's there, it would be impossible to pretend that it wasn't, but they never talk about it. It just makes things awkward for both of them. "I just, it's not like I want to talk about it or anything because it's fine, really it's fine, but I don't blame you or whatever and I can't let you blame yourself because that's dumb."

"When did you get so smart?" Jeffery says swatting him affectionately.

"I'm really not." Todd rests his hand on his chin.

Jeffery pats him on the shoulder affectionately, knees cracking loudly as he stands. "Well you're smarter than I was at your age anyways. I'm going to hit the hay, you should probably do the same."

"Yeah." Todd says looking down at the cds in his hands before following Jeffery into the house. It's torture trying to fall asleep the things he yelled at Meeks replaying in his mind, the look Ginny gave him floating to the surface everytime he closes his eyes. Finally he turns his lamp on and tries to clear his mind while he stares at the rafters. Eventually he gives up, climbs out of bed, plugs his headphones into his laptop and drowns out his thoughts with Mumford and Sons.


	10. ix

ix

* * *

Todd wakes up with the impression of a keyboard on his face and an entire text document filled with gibberish. He's listened to the two cds four or five times each, it got a bit fuzzy after that but so far he hadn't discovered any hidden messages in the lyrics. It all feels wrong. Not enough like Neil, despite the fact that Neil has used other people's words to talk to him this feels different. He'd trolled online message boards trying to find hidden meaning behind the songs but none of them had made any sense. Neil had made these clues for him, but what if Todd didn't know what Neil thought he knew. His stomach twisted up everytime he thought of this so he pushes it to the dark corner of his mind. The one reserved for Jodi Piccoult novels and crocs.

Todd sits up blinking, a puddle of drooling having formed overnight on the keyboard where his cheek had rested. It takes him a moment to realize what had woken him. His phone was ringing, playing a very tinny version of "I Knew You Were Trouble" that Knox had assigned to himself on Todd's phone. Though Todd still wasn't sure if he was being ironic or if he genuinely enjoyed the song.

"Hullo?"

"Shhhhhhh..." Knox says on the other side of the phone. "Quietly, quiet now." His voice a croak.

"On a scale of one to ten-"

"Twelve." Knox says cutting him off, "My hangover has a hangover."

"Well that must really suck for you."

"Tooooooddd," Knox whines, "Don't be a jerk. I can't drive home like this."

"And what does this have to do with me?"

"C'mon, please? I'll owe you one. A huge one."

The thought of having to go back to Charlie's house makes Todd's stomach turn unpleasantly but he knows he'll go. He's already on the outs with two of his three friends, he doesn't need all of them upset with him.

Knox is, thankfully waiting at the end of the driveway when Todd shows up, supported by an all-together too chipper looking Chris. "Hiya!" She says climbing into the backseat of the van, her hair valiantly attempting to say in it's elegant updo. "Thanks for coming to get us. I would have driven but Knox's car has a stick shift."

"How're you not hungover?" Todd asks.

Chris shrugs her shoulders, "You eat before you start drinking and then lots of water before you go to sleep. Works everytime."

Knox slurs something involving the words 'thanks' and 'pancakes' following Chris into the backseat. Todd doesn't like it, it makes him feel like a chauffer but he doesn't say anything about it, choosing instead to drive in silence to Chris' house. "Thanks again." She says hopping out of the van, her heels making a cute little clicking noise as they hit the driveway. She stands outside waving and blowing a kiss for Knox as they drive away.

"My girlfriend is the bestest." Knox half sighs, half slurs. "She drank me the under the table, I am so lucky."

"It really says something about the people I choose to associate with that you're not the weirdest." Todd says pulling into Knox's crazy driveway. When he pulls up to the house Knox's mom is outside wearing a ridiculously large sunhat and gardening while Knox's little sisters draw with chalk on the walkway leading to the house.

Todd gets out to help Knox who looks like he's about to hit the pavement if he's not supported. "Knox!" His sister shrieks coming over to hug him around the legs, fingers covered in chalk leaving marks on his dress pants.

"Hey Molly," Knox says gritting his teeth, "I've got a bit of a headache could you maybe try using your quiet voice."

"Oh." Molly says and then in an exaggerated stage whisper, "_Hi Knox_."

"Hi sweetheart," Dr. Overstreet says coming over to Knox, his other sister Clare planted on her hip. She's dressed in overalls and a big floppy sunhat. "Looks like you a had a little too much _fun_ last night at your party. Did Christine get home okay?"

"Yeah, Todd dropped her off. And it's just Chris, mom."

"Yes of course." She reaches over and pats Todd on the arm, which surprises him, "Thank you for helping Knox get home, Todd. I really appreciate it."

"Yeah, no problem Dr. Overstreet." Todd says feeling his face flush.

"Knox told me you're headed off to Columbia next year, we're all so proud of you sweetheart." Dr. Overstreet smiles at him, she doesn't look that much like Knox, her hair is darker and wavy and she has a very oval face, but they have the same sort of smile. The kind that shows in their eyes long after it leaves their lips. "Do you boys want breakfast?"

"Pamcakes!" Clare says, clapping her chubby toddler hands together. "Pamcakes!" Molly joins in while Knox grimaces.

"I'm good, I think I'm just going to lie down for a bit." He attempts to walk toward the house with Molly wrapped around his legs like a human anchor.

"You'll have to go back to the Dalton's and pick up the car later so don't sleep all day!" Dr. Overstreet calls after him. "How about you Todd? Would you like some breakfast?"

"Uh-" A small part of him wants to say yes, to stay for a little while instead of going home and locking himself into his room, but he's already shaking his head, "No thanks. I appreciate the offer but I'd better get home."

"Alright. Well, you know you're always welcome here." She smiles at him, a little bit sadly, "Say bye bye to Todd, Clare."

"Bye!" Clare says one chubby little hand waving enthusiastically, the fingers of the other stuck in her mouth. Todd doesn't wave back.

On the drive back he fingers the radio dial hating the sound of silence, too much room for his thoughts about what happened last night. Everything he said to Meeks already settling like molten lead in the pit of his stomach. The radio blares on, the same station he had listened to with Neil that morning. The feeling in his stomach hardens and he jabs at the button cutting off the music but the feeling remains.

Back in his room morning sun shines in patterns through the leaves outside and onto the floor of the attic. It reminds Todd of the paper snowflakes he used to make as a kid, carefully cutting and folding. He's solved it, he's solved and and he's no where near closer to finding Neil and it's all his own fault.

The song, it had been one of the songs, not the lyrics as he had thought before but simply the name of the song; The Cave.

They had been nine and enrolled in golf lessons at the Country Club on Saturday mornings, neither Neil nor Todd were particularly adept at golf. Todd's father thought it was important for a young man to play golf, Neil's father knew that golf was the sport of successful men. So off they went every Saturday to Brooklea Golf & Country Club, spending most of their time pretending that they were searching for lost balls as an excuse to wander off and explore. That's how they had found it, off by the ninth hole mostly hidden by some shrubbery, The Old Indian Cave. Well, that's what Neil had called it anyways, whether any actual Indians had ever lived there was highly debatable but the name had stuck anyways. As far as caves went it wasn't particularly special but the fact that they had found it together, that it had been _theirs_ was much more important than the physical cavern.

Todd wants to slap himself for taking so long to figure it out, the clue literally glaring him in the face. Though he also wants to slap himself a little bit because it's not particularly easy to go sneaking around on a golf course looking for clues in a secret cave and the one person who could get him out there isn't talking too him. Or at least Todd is going to go out on a limb and assume Meeks isn't talking to him.

He paces his room, the light changing from morning to afternoon, listening to the song a few times and googling the country club. There's an alternative solution of course, he could pay to go golfing, or he could try and go with his dad one day but there's the glaring flaws of those plans involving money he doesn't have and spending time with people he doesn't like. The ideas swirl around in his head but he keep coming to the same conclusion. He needed Meeks, Meeks was mad at him, he had to apologize, Todd didn't want to apologize. A equals B equals C equals D.

Todd flops down in his desk chair and stares moodily at facebook. He clicks over to Meeks' profile, luckily he hasn't changed his relationship status but there's at least a dozen photos from prom that he's been tagged in, and most of them seem to feature him and Charlie in various levels of physical contact. Todd rolls his eyes but he messages him anyways.

_Todd Anderson: I know you're mad at me but I need your help, it's about Neil. _

_Todd Anderson: please? _

_Todd Anderson: Just call me or whatever. _

He waits for ten minutes and nothing. Which isn't abnormal but he gets the distinct impression that he's being ignored. Though that's arguably just in his mind. Todd stands stretching, needing to get out of his room or maybe just to get out of his head. He wanders downstairs to the kitchen, his mother sitting at the table reading a cookbook, she doesn't cook but she loves to think about it, constantly planning menus and writing grocery lists for food that will never be cooked.

"Hello dear." She says not really looking up, Todd wonders if she thinks he's Jeffery. That's usually the only time she mistakes them, when she's not really looking. He riffles aimlessly through the cupboards before giving up and heading back to his room.

Meeks still hasn't replied.

It's not that Todd doesn't feel bad for what he said, because he knows it was sort of awful, it's just that Meeks of all people should know better. Besides even if it wasn't Charlie Dalton, even if Meeks had decided to make out in a bathtub with someone Todd didn't hate, it's not like it would be a good idea, getting involved with someone this close to graduation. Meeks was going to MIT, he was going places. Charlie Dalton would probably flunk out of whatever Ivy League school his daddy had bribed to take him, within a year.

Todd spends the rest of the day half-heartedly trying to read Moby Dick for his English final and refreshing facebook every five minutes. Knox posts a weird message on his wall after dinner that says:

_Knox Overstreet: whoa idk why you so great you so angry wha?_

Todd closes facebook after that.

Sunday passes slowly and painfully. Todd considers going to Brooklea anyway and trying to get to the cave but he doesn't want to go in broad daylight. He manages to slog through the rest of Moby Dick, Spoiler Warning: they don't catch the whale, and he even brainstorms some essay topic ideas. They're all terrible. Usually he'd do this sort of thing with Meeks but that's out of the question for obvious reasons.

Ginny sends him 3 text messages on Sunday. They read as follows

_u apologized yet?_

_To SM I mean_

_or me too even_

Todd drafts seven different replies. He sends none of them.

It's worse Monday morning. Todd picks up Knox like he always does and Knox is at least 16% more coherent than he was the last time he saw him. Which great for the clarity of his vocabulary and not so great when that clarity is turned on Todd.

"You said _what_ to Meeks!?" Knox screeches. "Jesus Christ, Todd, what the hell!"

Knox had obviously already heard about what happened at after-prom through a variety of sources but he had demanded to hear Todd's side of things the second he got into the van. "That's really terrible. You need to apologize. Like right now."

Todd tightens his grip on the steering wheel. "I tried, he won't respond to my messages."

"Then try harder." Knox says, which pisses Todd off but he doesn't respond choosing to channel his energy into cursing at the BMW that cut him off.

"You don't even like Charlie! Do you honestly think Meeks should be dating Charlie?"

"This isn't Fiddler on the Roof, you don't get to pick who he ends up with. Meeks is smart. Like if we were a boyband he'd be the smart one."

"First of all," Todd says, "You've clearly never seen Fiddler on the Roof because none of the daughters get matched up they fall in love with people on there own. And secondly smart people can make mistakes too."

Knox sighs and looks at Todd like he feels bad for him. "What!?" Todd snaps.

"Are you sure what happened was about Meeks and Charlie and not you and Neil? I mean not to go all psychoanalytical on you but it sort of feels like you're projecting." Knox says, cautiously.

Todd turns too sharply into the student parking lot and they both jerk to the right. "How is that- that's not even the poin- you know what fuck this." Todd yanks the keys out of the ignition unbuckling himself and practically throwing himself out of the van before Knox can react.

Everyone's still bubbly and gossiping from prom and it's all the better for Todd to keep his head down. He considers skipping philosophy because Meeks and Charlie will be there but his exam is in two days so he can't really afford to miss the review/lecture Hagar has dreamed up. He sits so Charlie and Meeks are behind him and to the left but occasionally he can hear snippets of them talking, whispering over the lecture and Todd takes deep breaths and swears to himself he won't turn around.

In history class Chris comes up to his desk eyes big and doe-like. For a moment he thinks she's going to chew him out, since that seems to be a reoccuring theme in his life lately. But instead she puts her hand over his and says, "Todd, if you need anything I'm here for you okay. We're all just really worried and want to make sure you're okay." She pats his hand once before going off to sit with Knox the heels on her shoes hitting the tiled floors purposefully.

For a brief terrifying moment Todd thinks he might cry, like not in a sobbing break down sort of way, more in a Leonardo DiCaprio one-single-tear-of-manly-emotion kind of way. Cameron however chooses that moment to lean _way_ too far into Todd's personal space effectively ruining the moment.

"You hear about Meeks and Dalton?" Cameron says, attempting to whisper and failing.

Todd just rolls his eyes, "Heard you throwing up in a bush at after-prom."

Cameron's eyes widen and then narrow. "Fine, whatever." He snaps.

Todd wonders how long and how hard he would have to bang his head on the desk to knock himself unconscious. He just needs to get Meeks alone and apologize and get everyone off his case and find the next clue and find Neil and just _fix things_.

When the bell rings Todd's up and out of the room before his teacher has even finished wishing them good luck studying. He swings by the bio lab hoping to find Meeks and instead runs smack dab into Charlie Dalton who is leaning up against a locker wearing salmon coloured corduroys, a cardigan that looks at least 4 sizes too big, a t-shirt that says 'though I be but little, I am fierce' and a navy blue beret. Honestly it's all a bit tame for Charlie.

"Look, I know you probably want to talk to Steven and you totally should," He says taking a step towards Todd hands out in the universal sign for 'I don't want any trouble'.

"Oh dear god." Todd says.

"-But before you do let me explain to you a thing."


	11. x

x

* * *

For a brief moment Todd considers bolting, it's not like Charlie could catch him if he ran, Todd's legs were way longer than his and Charlie Dalton had never really struck him as a running person anyways. No one who wears a sweater in June is going to attempt any physical activity than what is absolutely required. But Todd shrugs his shoulders vaguely, in an 'I'm listening' sort of way and stares at Charlie who shakes his head.

"No, not. Not here. Come on let's go to the courtyard." He turns on his heel and Todd follows, keeping enough distance between himself and Charlie that, to the casual observer it probably doesn't even seem like they are walking together at all.

The sun is blazing brightly in the courtyard and Todd squints wishing he had his sunglasses. Because he's an ass Charlie pulls out a pair of ridiculous sunglasses with perfectly circular lenses that Todd can't help associate with bongos and pretentious interpretations of On the Road.

Charlie flops down on one of the picnic tables in the courtyard and gestures for Todd to sit opposite him. Most people are still at their lockers or in the lunch line so there isn't anyone there but them. "I used to hate you. Did you know that?" Charlie says, nonchalantly, biting the side of his thumb and then inspecting it. "I mean for like the first three months of middle school you were literally all Neil could talk about, Todd this and Todd that. He missed you so badly all the time and it was like I was just this no-name brand substitute that wasn't what he wanted but at least I sort of filled the hole."

"And then I met you, do you remember that? You're this shy kid who barely says two words but Neil's acting like you single -handedly put every single star in the sky and it fucking drove me crazy."

Todd vaguely remembers the first time they had met. It was at one of Neil's birthday parties and Charlie had been practically elbowing him out of the way so he could sit next to Neil, give Neil his present first making sure he was always in his line of vision. As if the moment Neil looked away Charlie would stop existing. Todd can understand that, it's like a zen riddle, if Todd Anderson exists but Neil Perry is not there to witness it, does he exist at all? For a startling, slightly terrifying moment Todd wonders if Charlie feels the same way about Neil. That this is all leading up to some confession that he's in love with Neil and the thing with Meeks was just a fluke.

Charlie must see the terror on Todd's face because he immediately holds his hands up and shakes his head, "I mean, don't get me wrong I've never felt that way about Neil, but he's always had that you know...presence. Like you just want to do things for him, make him happy, make him proud of you." Charlie laughs, it's almost sarcastic. "I hated your guts because it was like you didn't even have to _try_. I mean that's not an excuse and I'm not saying it is but I was young and stupid and none of that was fair to you. "

There's a group of freshman girls sitting at another one of the picnic tables now and Todd can't help but stare at them while Charlie talks, it's easier somehow to listen if he doesn't have to actually look at Charlie. The way you would look away from the needle while giving blood, because if you don't look it's almost like it's not entirely real.

Charlie sighs,"And then, _Steven_, who I've had this _thing_ for since I was 12 and I didn't even know what it was at the time but I just wanted him to notice me, but not in the same way I wanted Neil to notice me and it was all just insanely confusing. Our parents are friends. Steven's and mine and we were always at all these dinners and parties together for years and years and he just didn't want anything to do with me no matter what I did. But you two did one group project together in ninth grade and suddenly you're thick as thieves! I mean, you can see where I'm going here right? I just felt like no matter where I went I was stuck in your fucking shadow, which again isn't your fault but I'm admittedly kind of a selfish douchebag."

Todd's head snaps back his eyebrows raising. "What?"

"I guess what I'm trying to get at here," He makes a circle in the air with his hand, limp at the wrist, "in a very roundabout way is that I agree with you."

"...What?" Todd says again after a very long pause, because seriously what the hell just happened.

Charlie tilts his head, "I agree with you. I mean not about Steven being pathetic, because that's a fucking lie and we both know it, but about everything else. Me not being good enough. I'm not. Not for Steven and not for Neil either. But I am selfish, and if those people give me chances I will take them and I will hold on for as long as they'll let me."

Todd blinks. He opens his mouth. He closes it. He blinks again. "Wait...sorry but-what?"

Charlie tilts his head, "I can't tell if you're mocking me."

Todd frowns, "I literally have no idea what your point is here."

"I am kind of a dick."

"And...?"

"And I know that I'm kind of a dick but I _really_ like Steven and I want to at least try and see if there's something there. That's what I'm trying to say here. And also I'm sorry that I've been such an ass to you because you didn't deserve any of that." Charlie takes a deep breath and adjusts his beret. "But you do have to apologize to Steven cause seriously you're beating me in the being an asshole category."

"We don't have to pretend to be friends do we? Because, I still kind of really don't like you and I can't stop you from dating my friend but I don't have to like it."

"It's not Fiddler on the Roof, we don't need your blessing. But you are Steven are friends and he misses you so suck it up and say you're sorry."

"What is the sudden obsession with Fiddler on the Roof?" Todd mutters and then concedes defeat. "Fine, I'll let you guys figure out what the hell you're doing, but I swear if you hurt him I will burn all your hats and shave your head."

Charlie ponders this, "Okay. Sounds fair." He extends a hand to Todd who rolls his eyes but shakes it. "See I'm not such a bad guy after all."

"I still don't like you." Todd says standing up.

Charlie shrugs, "That's okay."

"And you have horrible fashion sense." Todd says before turning and walking back into the hallway.

"Debatable!" Charlie calls after him smiling that stupid smug grin that Todd doesn't even have to turn around to know is there.

The halls are deserted as he makes his way to the cafeteria, the occasional echo of someone's feet on the tile or whispers of conversation. He catches sight of Ginny sitting with Knox and Chris and he wants to wave at her but he remembers the text messages and his stomach sinks. Meeks is sitting with Gerard and some guy Todd can never remember the name of. Sam, maybe? Or Skippy or Skip or something?

They're all laughing at something Gerard said when he walks up. Steven has his back to Todd which is good because Todd is able to sit down before Meeks notices him.

"Hey," Todd says "Um, I really need to apologize to you."

Meeks doesn't turn to look at him but his body language screams his discomfort, shoulders tensing painfully. "I don't really want to talk to you right now Todd." He says tersely.

"Steven." Gerard says, "Remember what we were talking about earlier? About feelings? This might be a good way to get some things you need to say into the open."

Meeks rolls his eyes but Gerard just pats his hand and turns to look at Todd, "I think it will be good for you."

"You've been spending too much time with Knox." Meeks mutters.

Gerard is unperturbed by this lack of enthusiasm and shoves a red plastic fork into Meeks' hands. "Okay, so this is the talking fork and you can only talk when you have it in your hands. Be sure to make lots of statements about how events made you _feel_ and to use 'I' statements."

"_I feel _that this exercise is ridiculous." Meeks says.

"Good." Gerard coos, "Now Todd, while Steven is talking you need to be listening and really _understanding _what he is saying. Alright?"

"Is this really necessary-" But Gerard is shushing him and leaning into Meeks who glares at him for a second before rolling his eyes and sighing.

"Fine, fine. Uh, okay, I _feel_" Gerard nods enthusiastically, "Like Todd was a total asshole to me and that it's really none of his goddamn business who's mouth I want to put my tongue into."

Todd opens his mouth but Gerard waves a hand in his face. "You don't have the talking fork."

"This is cultural misappropriation." Todd mutters and is firmly shushed.

Meeks won't even look at him, eyes planted firmly on the fake wood grain of the cafeteria table. "And I feel like you think you can just ignore me for your Neil problems but then when I do something you don't like suddenly it's like _I'm _the one who's being a bad friend for having the audacity to like someone you don't like. I mean, honestly I could have been dating Charlie for the last 3 months and I don't think you would have noticed because if it doesn't involve Neil Perry you don't give half a fuck!"

His voice raises and a group of dorky sophomores the next table over turn to look in surprise. "I'm not just going to be your nerdy friend sidekick anymore. I am sick of you forgetting about me and I'm sick of you calling me by my last name. My name is Steven, okay? I am not pathetic and unless you want to take this stupid talking fork and tell me you're sorry and that I'm right you can just leave."

Gerard has this look on his face like he's stepped on a nail and he reaches out for Meeks' arm. "Steven, hey man-"

"It's okay." He says looking at the table again, as if their are answers written there and not just 'call 705 674 3909 for a good time'. "Really, that was probably good, for like my mental health or whatever." He huffs out a laugh that sounds more like a cough and pushes the talking fork towards Todd.

"I don't like Charlie Dalton." Todd says holding the fork, "I think that you're out of his league and I'm worried that he'll hurt you. But you're right, everything I said to you at after-prom was uncalled for and I don't get to have a say on your love life. You're right and I'm sorry. And I also think you should know that before I came here to tell you how much I am sorry I had a heart to heart with your boyfriend-"

"He's not my boyfriend."

"-And I just want to make things right so we can be friends again." Todd takes a deep breath, he's not used to talking so much and he feels like he's running out of words, like a torrential rain storm slowing to a trickle but he has to get one last thing out first. "Steven, I am so, so sorry for how I've treated you and what I said to you at after-prom. You are the smartest most capable person I know and even if I don't trust Charlie I trust you."

Meeks- Steven looks up at him over the rims of his glasses. "Okay." He says simply.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

The kid named Skippy or Sam or whatever looks back and forth between the two of them. "That was the most intense thing I have seen in a long time." He stares at Todd, "And I have literally never heard you say more than 2 sentences at a time.

"Omigod," Steven says, "Gerard don't cry."

"I can't help it." He says, "Your friendship is so beautiful."

Steven put his hand on Gerard's shoulder, "What a softie. This is why I won't go see Monster's University with you."

"A real man isn't afraid to show his emotions." Gerard says wiping his eyes.

"Yeah, okay but a real man also knows that he needs to cry at a volume level that will not scare small children."

Gerard shrugs again, "I think we have learned today that sharing our emotions can lead to great things."

Steven rolls his eyes and grins at over at Todd and it's like the last four days just melt away between them and Todd feels like he can properly breathe again. Like someone had a knee in his chest pining him down and it's lifted.

"So," Steven says pulling a pen out from behind his ear and flipping open a notebook, "You said you needed me to do to help you find Neil?"

Todd pauses, not sure how to phrase it, "On a scale from 1 to 10 how cool would you say you are with breaking and entering?"


	12. xi

xi

* * *

By the end of the day they've formed a fairly tentative plan and Todd is starting to remember what a truly excellent schemer Steven Meeks is. All through math class he's getting texts about timing and security cameras and a pdf with what he thinks might actually be the blueprints for the golf course.

He's pondering how in the world Steven even _got _his hands on those when he, quite literally, almost walks straight into Ginny who is leaning up against a bank of lockers across from his math classroom. She doesn't look angry exactly which is a good sign but she has an expression on her face that he can't quite place.

"Hey." Todd says, some relief dripping into his voice without permission.

"Hey." Ginny says, one arm cross over her chest, the other dangling, fingers worrying the hem of her shirt. "So I was talking to Gerard earlier and he said that I should give you a break because you have a lot of feelings, really intense beautiful emotions according to him, but you're not always the best at expressing them. Something to do with a traumatic event in your childhood and a fear of rejection, according to Knox."

"Um." Todd says.

"See, his point exactly. So basically what I'm saying is that what you did at after-prom was really uncool but I understand that you were really upset and that I forgive you and I want to help you find Neil."

"Oh. Well good. And I'm am really sorry, for freaking out and leaving you there." Todd says, much less eloquently than he would have liked to be. Ginny hugs him them, so sudden he thinks that she probably hadn't planned it ahead of time. The top of her head barely comes up to his collarbones and Todd puts on hand on her back awkwardly. He's never been great with physical affection, but it's...nice.

"Okay." Ginny says pulling away, her eyes a little more moist than usual. "Okay, great. So what's the plan?"

Todd fills her in while they walk to his locker. As far as plans go it's not that complicated. The real issue with getting to the cave is that they need to get onto the course after hours. Which doesn't seem like a huge deal considering it's not like golf courses usually have strict security measures but Brooklea has a bit of an obsession with keeping people out. Todd's pretty sure it's a side effect of the whole upper class white privilege thing but mostly it's just inconvenient. He knows at least 4 people who have been arrested for sneaking onto the course. It's a stupid thing but people get dared to do it all the time, like the harder they try to keep people out to more they want to get in.

"Okay so what, Steven's gonna get us in?" Ginny asks, pushing the door that leads out to the student parking lot.

"Kinda. Mostly I just need to know where all the security cameras are and where they point so I can figure out how to get to the cave without getting spotted." He had filled Ginny in on the importance of the cave, though he had maybe downplayed it a little bit, making it sound more like a place they found once rather than their childhood hide-out. It doesn't feel like lying so much as it feels like he's protecting something. Some idea he has of him and Neil that can only exist if he keeps his memory perfectly preserved.

Ginny is practically bouncing with excitement. "Okay, this just got _very _Mission Impossible. Please tell me I get to distract a guard with my feminine wiles. Actually, no Charlie's better at that sort of thing. Can I pepper spray someone at least? No, wait! Can I wear a cat suit?"

Todd just rolls his eyes and unlocks the van. Ginny climbs in without invitation and Todd likes that apparently they've reached a new milestone in their friendship. One that apparently gets unlocked after you have your first fight and make up. "I feel like I should be a little bit concerned about how much you like breaking into things."

Ginny shrugs, the grey seatbelt obstructing the movement somewhat. "Me and Neil used to do stuff like that all the time. I think for him it was a bit philosophical, you know, like we're so obsessed with putting up barriers and he wanted to break them down. To go places just because someone didn't want you there. For me, I guess it was more just for a lark." She hums thinking about this, "And I liked the way Neil got about it. I mean, he always just gave off this air of confidence. I can't even tell you how many places Neil walked into because he just acted like he was supposed to be there. That's how he ended up in the mall overnight."

Todd's heard the story. Sort of. He's heard the rumours at least, that Neil managed to get locked into the mall overnight last year. Having climbed onto the roof with Neil for a benevolent prank Todd believes it now but he'd never been sure before. He nods though, like this had always been his truth.

"Anyways, I dunno. It's just fun." Ginny has her head against the glass of the window, rolled down only an inch so that some of her voice seems to sneak out of it.

They don't talk for the rest of the drive to Steven's house, a low sprawling thing that seems like it belongs in California and not Vermont. Mr. Meeks has always been kind of obsessed with green-energy so there's the familiar film-strip of solar panels along the sides of the driveway as well as on the roof. The neighbours threw a fit when they were installed, claiming that it would ruin property values and attract all sorts of crunchy granola types. This prophecy has yet to come through.

Charlie is already there if his car in the driveway is anything to go by. Todd hates his car. An actual hearse that Charlie has repainted in a bright aqua that makes him think of bad high school movies set in the early 60's. Todd manages to make his exasperated sigh sound more like a yawn but Ginny catches it anyways and raises an eyebrow. "No complaining. You ruined their date night."

"Date night?" Todd asks

"They were going to go see that stupid Purge movie, you know with that one actor...omigod what's his name. Evan? Ethan?" She snaps her fingers. "I can see his face perfect in my mind. He's all sort of homeless looking in real life. Blond."

Todd shrugs, he's never been particularly good with the names and life details of famous people, he can barely remember the names of people he goes to school with on the best of days.

Ginny throws her hands up, "I'll remember in the middle of class tomorrow or something. I hate that."

Meeks' cat is lying on the walkway up to the door and Ginny crouches down to pet his stomach. "Who's a good kitty?" She says, only she doesn't do it in that high pitched voice people usually use, she says it very seriously. "What's his name?" Ginny says scratching him behind the ears.

"Leonardio DiCatprio." Todd says.

Ginny stops petting the cat to look up at him, "For serious?"

Steven opens the front door, "Are you mocking my cat?"

"Leonardo DiCatprio?"

"Blame Charlie."

"When did you get this cat, yesterday?"

Steven adjusts his glasses, "Our parents are friends he used to come over all the time. _Well_ when I say friends I mean mortal enemies who are in the same book club. His name was just supposed to be Leo but then Charlie came up with Leonardo DiCatprio and it kind of stuck."

"He does kind of look like Leonardo DiCaprio"

Charlie appears beside him, "My ears are burning." He's ditched the insanely oversized cardigan and his beret. "Leonardo!" He crouches down and the cat jumps up from where he's lying at Ginny's feet and slinks over to Charlie who scoops him into his arms. Leonardo purrs rubbing his face against Charlie's shirt, who seems to be rather nonchalant about the cat hair.

"Time for secret spy stuff?" Ginny asks, brushing off her knees.

They follow Steven into the house which is all warm wood and light. Todd can hear the distinct low tone of Meeks' dad on the phone in his office. They end up in the kitchen where Steven has spread out actual fucking blueprints of the gold course on the low island.

"How did you get these!?" Ginny says fingering the edge of the paper. "Omigod, is this the moment when you tell us you're a secret agent. Possibly from the future. Possibly an alien. _Possibly_ an alien from the future."

"My boyfriend is not an alien." Charlie protests and then pauses, turning to Meeks, "You would tell me if you were an alien right?"

Meeks doesn't even look up from the blue prints. "Not your boyfriend. Not an alien. Not from the future." He visibly hesitates, then looks up. "But even if I was an alien from the future it's not like I would _tell_ you." Ginny elbows Charlie and they have a brief nonverbal conversation with facial expressions that Todd doesn't follow, and going by the look on Meeks' face he doesn't follow either.

"Alright. Anyways, I got the blueprints from my dad. He did a job on the course a few years ago and he left the pdf on the desktop." Steven's dad works as a consultant for an architecture firm, mostly with green building initiatives, solar panels, energy efficient insulation and windows, things like that. "Okay so I've marked where all the security cameras are." He points to the red circles drawn on the blueprints in what looks suspiciously like crayon. "I wasn't quite sure where the cave was. You said it was near the ninth hole right?"

Todd takes the blue crayon offered to him. "It's over here," he circles an area, "I'm pretty sure at least."

Steven nods, brow furrowing in concentration. "Okay, we should be able to figure out a path from the parking lot to there without you being spotted by the cameras. Theoretically."

"Theoretically?" Todd says, "Yeah, not to sound petty or anything but I could _theoretically_ get arrested."

"Don't worry, we have a back-up plan in case all goes to hell." Steven says, not looking up from where he's drawing a path on the blueprints. He stops, tongue sticking out from between his teeth, and quickly erases. "But, like, I'm sure it will be fine. Probably."

Ginny's hopped up onto one of the low counters, her bare legs dangling. "So what's the back-up plan?

Steven and Charlie exchange looks again but this one is easy to read. "Really?" Todd asks, exasperated.

Charlie grins and it's a bit freaky how excited he looks,"Aww, don't sound so glum. Your life in my hands? What could possibly go wrong?"

Four hours later Todd is sitting in the backseat of an aqua hearse with Ginny beside him, seriously questioning the direction his life has started to take. Two weeks ago he never would have thought he'd be planning to sneak onto a golf course in order to find a clue in some sort of teen runaway scavenger hunt. For crying out loud two weeks ago he wasn't even friends with Ginny and he thought Charlie Dalton was one of the worst things in the world, right up there with Fox News. Now he'd probably rank him closer to movies with incorrect subtitles, no fat sour cream and paper cuts. Annoying, but not life destroying.

Though if he has to listen to Charlie's weird music in his death car for one more minute he might strangle him to death.

"Do we have to listen to this?" Todd says, knowing he's whining and not really caring. He's been sitting in this car for almost an hour and a half, running the plan over and over in his head, but now he's just getting antsy. "Like what even is this?"

"It's the Vitamin String Quartet's Tribute to Lady Gaga." Charlie says without any hint of irony.

"How are you even real? Did you walk out of an episode of Girls?"

"Boys," Ginny says looking up from Cosmopolitan, "Play nice."

"He started it." Charlie huffs but he reaches over and turns off the cd, so it's something.

Todd checks his watch again. They figured it will take him about 20 minutes to walk from the side parking lot to the Indian Cave, taking the route Meeks figured taking the security cameras into account. Todd's got a small paper map of the course in the pocket of his jeans and he keeps reaching into his pocket just to make sure it's still there. It's oddly comforting in the face of the insanity that is their current situation.

Charlie's cell phone vibrates loudly on the dashboard and he picks it up and stares at it intently for a moment. "Okay, Steven says everything should be good to go in about 10 minutes." They need everyone to be cleared out of the restaurant so no one sees him through the windows, but there still need to be employees in the building so Charlie's car isn't the only one in the lot.

The fact that his car is so recognizable is a double edged sword. On the one hand most people know that the Dalton's have club memberships and since Charlie and Steven have a...thing, it's not like it's that weird for him to be there. On the other hand, if the plan goes to hell there will be even more evidence point to Charlie.

That's their backup plan in a nutshell. If it looks like Todd is going to get caught Charlie is going to cause a distraction and throw himself on his metaphorical shield.

"Charlie." Todd asks, suddenly thinking of something he'd forgotten, "If we have to go to plan B won't that screw up your college plans? You could get arrested." He remembers that not having a criminal record was one of the requirements for his acceptance to Columbia.

Charlie drums on the steering wheel for a long moment before he answers, "Uh, probably not. But maybe. I mean, I don't have a criminal record or anything, plus the club probably won't press charges cause of my parents or whatever." He doesn't try to make this sound nonchalant, which Todd appreciates. Charlie's family may be disgustingly rich but at least he's aware of it and doesn't try to play off like he's upper middle class. He owns up to his privilege. "So, I'm thinking if I get caught I'm looking at a warning. Or at least let's hope so. I mean, I want to help find Neil, I really do. But I'd rather not fuck up my acceptance."

"Oh." Todd says, feeling a little bad for dragging everyone into this with him. He knows that they'd say they want to help and he knows that it's true but he really doesn't want everyone to get sucked into Neil's gravity if they don't have to.

Ginny looks up from her magazine. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure Harvard would dump your ass faster than you can say 'Ivy League' if you get arrested."

"_Harvard_? You're risking getting kicked out of Harvard?" Todd says incredulous. It's not like he worships at the alter of Ivy League schools, but he knows the insane leg up it can give you. Jeffery probably wouldn't have gotten that internship, as hardworking and smart as he is, if he didn't have the whole Yale thing going for him.

Charlie doesn't seem phased by this. "I really only applied because Neil's dad was forcing him to and I thought we could at least suffer together. I didn't actually think I was going to get in. My dad probably made a 'donation' to the English department."

Ginny closes her magazine and puts it on the seat. "Oh stop. You're a genius and you know it. Stop playing humble, it's annoying as hell."

"I'm not-"

"Oh, what was that Charlie? I couldn't hear you over your insanely high GPA."

"Yeah, okay. Let's pretend the Harvard lottery isn't a thing. That's cool. I'm totally amazing and it was all my own merit and it wasn't possibly my family's money or me just getting really lucky."

Ginny looks over pointedly at Todd like 'Can you believe this kid?'

"Wait." Todd says, "Meeks, er, I mean Steven is going to MIT. Isn't that like right over the bridge?"

"Oh he _knows._" Ginny says.

"Shut up Gin. I swear to god."

"Oh come on. I'm just teasing. I know you didn't just accept at Harvard because the guy you had a crush on and are currently kind of sort of dating will be close to you. I'm just saying I know you thought about it."

Steven Meeks, being a lot of things but not great with timing of course chooses that moment to call Charlie's cell phone. Glad for the distraction, or possibly just startled Charlie lunges for it, putting it up to his ear before the first ring has even ended.

"Hey. Mhmm...Oh. Yeah-No I'll tell him." There's a long pause. "Really? Shit. Okay. No-no, I think it will be fine." Another pause. "That sounds great actually." Charlie laughs. "Yeah, now I really can't get arrested. See you in 30? Okay, bye."

He hangs up and turns around in the seat to look at Todd. "Steven says they've turned on the sprinklers over by the eighth hole so just watch out for that. I also have a hot date after this, so let's try not to fuck this up too badly, alright kids?"

Todd gets out of the car and Charlie comes around from the driver's side with a flashlight from the glove compartment. "Here. It'll probably be dark in there. You can also use it to signal me if something happens, but don't use it unless you need to." He opens the doors at the back of the car and Ginny crawls over the backseat so she's sitting in the elongated 'trunk'.

"Your car better not be haunted Dalton." She says sitting Indian style, palms flat on the floor behind her. "So, I guess I'll just sit here and be lookout?"

"Yup." Charlie says, "You can crawl through some duct work next time I promise." He's regained the cardigan and Todd kind of wishes he had a jacket or something. It's 9:30 so the sun has gone down and the sky is dark except for in the far western corner of the sky where the blue is slightly lighter.

"You ready for this?" Charlie asks.

"Probably." Todd says, going for honesty over bravado.

"Famous last words." Charlie says giving him a mock salute.

And with that Todd walks into the night.


End file.
